I know that I am not really in a position to say what I am about to say, because I have not and will not likely walk in your shoes. And I'm sure others won't agree.
You made the decision that you wanted her in your life and that you could forgive her. It sounds like she is trying, maybe not as linearly or as quickly as you want, but trying nonetheless. I think you have to fulfill your end of the bargain and let go of the anger from the past. I'm not saying rug sweep, and I think she should completely be held accountable for her actions moving forward. But I do think you have to forgive and let go of the things she has done in the past. Otherwise your anger is just another wall that will keep you guys apart. Let the past be in the past and let go of the need for the grand apology. Holding onto the need for that will just keep you stuck. Look at every day that she is there and trying as her telling you that she is sorry and that she made a mistake and wants to be there with you and the kids.
More of those negative feelings are getting stirred up
Better to let them out here than IRL
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Hi Gordie. Recently out of curiosity I read your a bit of your thread from last year at this time.
Man - o - man have you come a long way.
Keep in mind please that you are in the place that you are in out of your own choice. You chose this path. And yes, it's a hard and rocky one.
What I read between the lines of your updates is that your wife is still very much about the me me me. She wants more from you and more of you to the point where she is perhaps somewhat jealous of her own children.
You've done the work, gotten the counseling. She just sees that you aren't treating her as much as a princess as she might imagine that you should.
Sorry if that sounds harsh and I would be happy for you to tell me that I'm idiot. My point is that my belief is that she's expecting you to forgive, forget and work hard at winning her affections back. You on the other hand wish for contrition and for her to work at winning you back. And that's not happening. So understandably you are angry.
Personally I think you are doing fabulous despite the very real things you are trying to work through. And I am still fully on #TeamGordie.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Dear Gordie, Andrew has hit it squarely - bottom line is that you've come so far and now your own feelings are coming more to the fore, because it might seem a bit safer.
Stay the course. Sending love, patience and the knowledge that you are not alone #TeamGordie xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
What your wife is exhibiting is very normal for someone who is starting to warm/wake up a bit.
Reconnection is the hardest part of the journey and it takes lots of patience and duct tape during this process. What has happened is that you've stuffed your feelings for a long while on the journey and now that she is warming up, you are looking for more from her at the moment. It took her 18-24 months to enter the crisis and once the warming up begins it could take that long, if longer for her to fully return to reality.
At some point, when she is ready and feels safe, she will want to come to talk to you about some of what went on w/herself and her behavior. Some of the MLCers will want to shove everything under a rug and forget it, but it does need to be addressed.
Gordie, stay the course. I know you want this to be over yesterday and things back to normal and her admitting her roll in all of this...but it's not the time yet. It will come...just not today, tomorrow or even next week...but it will come. Dig deeper for patience and know that the path you are on is the right one for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Here’s my tuppence worth. It’s been six months now since H moved back. And I’m still waiting for the grand apology.
He has said he’s sorry a couple of times but only when I went off on one. It’s not going to happen.
I don’t know what I was expecting....oh I know what I wanted, the grovelling apology, the “I love you”, the hearts and flowers.
Not happening. However, the gradual integration with me, the kids and GK’s is my real reward. Christmas was wonderful. His card and presents were thoughtful and romantic. He was so attentive to the little ones, building their presents and putting on the stickers (what men are handy for on days like that!)
He stayed up with me until 2am to see in the NY knowing that for the previous two I was on my own while he probably partied with OW. He had to get up by 5am for work.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, actions speak so much louder than words. If you are patient enough to give it time, let go of the bitterness and anger (they will only hold you back), she will show you how sorry she is.
I think it comes when they accept what they did and I can see H is starting to and coming to terms with it.
When the anger at what he did rises to the surface, I remind myself that he was ill at that time and at a very bad place, and that OW (without realising) may have save him from suicide. I will never know, but I do know this is the outcome I would prefer.
It’s not going to be easy but, you knew that. (((Gordie)))
I've only fairly recently joined in reading your thread, and I'm curious now to start at the beginning. I believe I too will be in it for a long haul, and although I'm doing well, I'd like to see how you navigated these past few years. Could you please post the link for your first thread? Thank You!
Westo, it takes 18-24 months before they fully emerge from the crisis. You may never get a grand apology. Many people don't...but they will eventually talk about what happened and if you are one of the lucky ones, he just might apologize and not sweep it under the rug...but it's going to be much longer than 6th months.
This is the hardest part of the journey for the LBS. We want it over and done with and we want that grand apology sooner rather that later. When we get impatient or expect something during this time, this can set them back a bit. Dig deeper for patience...revisit this further along.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
