Last attempt. OrangeK v.2

[OrangeK]

Thanks guys.
Its been good.
I still have fleeting regrets, and moments of sadness and pain. Mostly for S3 and the fact that he will never have a whole and complete family with his Mom and Dad.
This is big to me, as i grew up in a "whole" household my whole childhood and it seriously shaped how i view an approach family and relationships.
I can go days without her on my mind, but admittedly, if i am reminded of her, or have to talk to her, it still twists up my guts. the important thing is that I need to actively be reminded of her, or look into things myself in order to garner this type of response.
I think its just how abruptly and without closure things ended. I know ill never get that closure, and ive made my own.

In so far as recovery is concerned i will say this. When it REALLY began to happen, it was noticeable.
I recall being surprised to hear myself laughing genuinely.
Enjoying hobbies and even TV Shows i had lost all interest in.
2018 was the darkest time of my life. So confused, hurt, paranoid and several other negative feelings dominated my life for over a year.
One thing still hasnt changed, i miss the woman i was presented with, but through much therapy i was able to truly know, that the woman i married never was, nor shall be again.

For a while i struggled with feeling like i "Settled" with Mary.
When in reality i was just coming to terms with being with someone who doesnt cultivate an air of perfection.
Mary is flawed, and i love her despite those flaws. Not because she lacks them.



Some 2019 Goals:
Get back on really working out everyday. I have been slacking since Winter set in.
Hike at least 6 4k Peaks in NH
get back to sending 5.9 rock climbs.
Get a new car.