13 years and 2 kids pt. 4.

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So yesterday was a good day, but it was packed from morning to evening, so that took my mind off of a lot of things. I left the house (parents place) at 07.00 and I wasn't home there again before 23.00.

I talked to D4 on the phone when I drove from work to my sisters. She said she missed me a lot and asked who I was with and where I was, which did hurt, however I could hear WW in the background telling her to ask me other stuff. I did however take my time to answer her questions as well as possible with little white lies, as she is not yet informed of mom and dads situation. She seemed pleased with the answers, and after a bit of chit chat, she said she loved me and just hung up like she does, haha .

Tomorrow is WWs birthday. and today I will be going home to take the kids to sports and tug them in - in the same time I will be leaving presents from the kids. Tomorrow I will text her "Happy birthday, WW. Have a good day." That is basically what how much I will be engaging in the day, that was once so very special to me, and its fine.

I sat in the car after having spoken to D4 yesterday, and I realized (again), that holy cow, WW is another person, she doesn't love me, so why do I hang on to something that is no more. I realized, that it might come around in the future, but it will be another lovestory if it happens, the old one is gone. I was shaking and firmly said 10 times "I deserve better than this, so does my kids". It was a good feeling. I just have to live that feeling instead of going down cheesiness tunnels with me trying to mindread every action she takes. Fact is, she chose the OM over me (even said that to my face), and I need to love my self in order to fully heal and be able to love and care for my kids 100%.

Goals:

1: MAIN GOAL: Keep reminding myself, that the girl I loved so dearly and still do, is a ghost. A thought at most. Let that thought go, cherish the thought of what was, but I need to stop living like that thought is still a real thing.

2. Whenever I do keep the main goal as a focus point, I feel empowered, I felt REALLY good about myself after smashing 2 hours in the gym yesterday. I had several girls eyeballing me, but I am so shy and clearly not ready to engage in any type of conversation, so I just minded my own business and boy, my body is completely wrecked today, but it feels amazing.I can feel my confidence level skyrocketing whenever I do things for my self.

3. Find the balance where I don't care about the ghost / my imagination of who WW is, because she is no longer that person, and is living a new life with a new boyfriend (main goal again). But still treat her with respect (always do), validate, listen and STFU (wasn't very good at this - so whenever she talks, I will listen, STFU, and validate if I can figure out how to).

4. Use my time out of the house to GAL, heal and take care of my own well being. That will make me able to be 100% "charged" and ready to be there for my kids when I have them. I will be shutting down using my phone so much when I have my kids, as time with them are valuable, and I can use that bloody thing when they sleep.

5. Hopefully get the house sold as soon as possible, so I can sort a more permanent living situation for my self. My sitch is somewhat different than most here, because there is no waiting for Divoce to be finalized or anything since we are not married, so there is no time "in between" to make WW change her mind. She has already left me, and she is just waiting for the house to sell so she can get an apartment and live her new life with OM to the fullest. So I am going to just let them live their lives, and me and my kids will live ours. Maybe down the line, she realizes what she gave up on.

6. Love myself, every second of every minute of every day. I am a good person, I have a lot to give. I have learned A LOT from her leaving me. I have already made several 180s on how I interact and take responsibility for my daily live, and the lives of people around me, especially my kids.

7. Let go, and enjoy the life I have, and every day work on being the best dad, friend and man that I can be.

8. Not let her get to me whenever she seems unreasonable. I am used to just caving in. I will be reasonable, but I will have me and my kids interests as my top priority. No more NGS, which will be really hard but I am working on it. this does not mean I will behave like a jerk. Still STFU'ing, still listening and still validating, but whatever her response is to my answers on things I don't agree with, I will handle it. Thats better than me adjusting my answer to the response I hope to get out of her, and giving up on things that are good for me and the kids.

Sorry for wall of text.

/h