Once we start remembering that things weren't so great after all, that is when we know we're on the path to recovery.
Boy did this ring true for me! I've put a whole lot of thought into this over the last 4 months, after I stopped the desperate pursuing to save the marriage. Although I still want to reconcile, I want a totally new relationship with H. No movement in any direction, so I still have the gift of time to continue to self-examine and evolve. I wonder if H has/is doing any of that?
/hijacking quotes from other threads instead of hijacking other threads
I’ve thought about this one, too, as soon as I saw it. I sometimes think about the things that I’ve been unhappy about (or at least tried to live with) with respect to W. I know we’ve had our periods of unhappiness, but I also know that there were good times in there. But the thought occurs to me that maybe things really weren’t that great with us.
And that maybe this is the chance for her to set me free, too. As painful and frightening as that sounds at times.
But if we do R, I do want a ‘totally new relationship’ with H. I mentioned this in a previous post—that if she were to say to me ‘ILY I made a huge mistake I’m sorry pls let us start over again’ I would tell her ‘you’ve given me a lot to think about’ and then I’d have to come up with a list of things to work on (basically, ‘demands.’) If R’ing or piecing is in the future for us (and I’m not sure right now if I want that—I go back and forth), I’d want a lot from her to know that she truly wants back in.
In my darker moments, sometimes I feel like I’ve been ‘used’ by W. When we met, she was much heavier than she is now (not saying this to fat-shame or anything; she wore it decently well, but she weighed back then about what I do now, and lost a ton of weight with 1st pregnancy), and she’s never exactly had great teeth (genetics plus a well-justified fear of the dentist). Before we got married, I bought a house for us to live in during married life, but she lived there by herself until our wedding day when I moved in—that could have totally went sideways on me, I know. She transitioned from teaching at a Catholic school, to parish work, to now working for the federal government, which meant a cross-country move, selling the house that I bought for her, and me being a stay-at-home Daddy for 6 months and then trying my hand at the job market until I found my current teaching position.
Now? She travels a lot for work, is very fulfilled by that job, lost a good amount of weight (though she gained a little of bit back with this pregnancy, but that is to be expected), and has been getting the dental work done (though it’s not finished yet, and if we end up D’ing, then who knows how she’ll pay for that, or who will care for her after those office visits, but hey that’s her choice). Plus the 2 kids, even though being pregnant with YS devastated her at first—she did NOT cry tears of joy when the pregnancy test came back positive. All this happens, and now she decides to try and cut me loose?
Originally Posted by FlySolo
I will say if that she does push for the D, don't make it difficult or awkward for her - obstinance and pettiness are not attractive qualities, but one could say that drafting the paperwork yourself is also obstinant and petty.
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What now .. follow Ovrr's advice. Continue living your life. GAL, 180 and detach. I know you've said that you've done this and it doesn't feel like it's helping but that's because you were doing it with one eye on your W. Remember you once wrote on my thread 'they can smell' that we're still waiting for them. You were right. So, this time use the tools for you. It won't mean you will miraculously forget about your W. She will still invade your thoughts. But it will happen less and less if you do the work properly. You will also find that with time, it will matter less and less whether she notices or not.
I’m not exactly wanting to make this easy for her—she thinks I’m trying to get back at her. I’m trying to detach, but also talk around some of her questions, because I don’t feel like I owe her a whole lot emotionally right now. I feel like the more appropriate metaphor is being my ‘dead weight’ that she has to drag over the finish line of her desired D. I’m not sure if this is the best attitude, but it’s kinda where I’m at right now.
But yes, detach GAL, 180, etc. I’m sure that if I keep one eye on her, she will be able to ‘smell’ that, so gotta keep looking forward—or at least keep looking at the boys.
