I do help with nighttime, where I can. YS breast-feeds and it’s really difficult for him to take a bottle, otherwise I would. Could I try it—well, that might entail lots of screaming / carrying on from YS (at least at first), and that would not help anyone. She’s asked me that when she is around that she feeds him. In that respect, I carry out her wishes. What I do at night is diaper-change, and if he won’t go back to sleep, I have often stayed up with him and walked him around the house to help him get back to sleep.
Ah, OK that makes sense. I think that sounds fine then, the way you phrased it before made it sound like she was doing 100% of it.
Quote
I help pick up the boys from school / daycare, and when she goes away on work trips, I’m responsible for everyone. Part of my thinking with respect to getting to school early is that I try to get as much done early as I can so I can be more present to everyone later on, when I get home, in the evening.
OK, so she takes care of mornings and you do afternoons, that sounds fair enough. Of course nothing you do is going to be "good enough" while she's in her fog but the idea of "showing her what she'll be missing" is really just to plant seeds that may blossom later.
Quote
What I’ve been trying to do is not start conversations unless she does—or did I misunderstand that piece of advice?
Well the idea is to not initiate texting, phone calls and emails. The idea you are trying to send to her is not that you are being cold and dismissive, it's that you are busy. A lot of people around here don't quite grasp that. You're trying to portray that you are high value. A high value person has a lot going on, they're constantly on the move. If they don't reply to your text or answer your phone call, you don't think they are being rude, you think they are just occupied elsewhere. So that's the idea. But you mentioned the two of you driving together and you're not saying anything to her. Now that is a different situation, because she knows you're not busy doing something else. That's the difference. So yes don't initiate contact with her. But if you're caged up in the car with her then it's ok to talk and be friendly.
That said, the approach is a little different with an extreme wayward (lying cheater type). Often in that case, going completely dark is the best approach. But you would not even be in the car with her in the first place if you were that level of dark.
Quote
What I’m struggling with right now is why she wants things from me when she’s trying to fire me as H.
I think SoTorn nailed it, "She wants you to be of service to her but she doesn't want you emotionally." She only wants you when it's convenient for her and when she gains something from it. But when it comes to emotional support and intimacy, that's where you've been fired.
