Piecing.......

[SteveLW]

After BD#1, here is a point by point synopsis:

1). Consequences! And taking a hit with hard, maybe a painful loss of some kind.

This definitely happened. After BD in 2005 she lost a lot of freedom. She agreed to full disclosure. The most painful loss was the loss of OM. She went into about a 6 week withdrawal. It took several months before we were back to normal, but we eventually settled back into a new normal, which was very similar to the old normal except she was much more transparent. She also did a lot of reading trying to figure out how to fix things. She even did Love Dare at some point (I found out years later).

2). Realizing the connection between her decisions with the consequences/loss.

This one took the form of her realizing that she couldn't have and defend platonic friendships with males. She also realized that she had to make concessions with "freedom" and being transparent as a result of her actions.

3). Accepting responsibility for her decisions...and for every loss,
and every hurt she caused those she loves and who loves her.

This she did as well.

4). Accepting and dealing with the consequences, without blaming anyone but herself.

She definitely blamed herself. In fact that was a big difference in her post-BD#1 and post-BD#2. Post BD#1 she blamed herself exclusively. Post BD#2, she blamed me exclusively. It took weeks and MC to make her take responsibility herself.

5). Making a conscious choice to end her wayward direction and turn around.

This one didn't apply since she was not WW related to BD#1. She did turn around from her EA activities though.

6). Seeking guidance and/or spiritual counsel to guide her in how to cleanse her heart of the wrong attitudes, selfcenterness, resentment, rebellion.......whatever she carries that is unhealthy.

She did this.

7). To be remorseful. If necessary, even seek spiritual help, pray, whatever......to feel remorse for the destruction her decisions and feelings has caused her H. She has to feel true remorse in order to emotionally reconcile and heal properly.

She did feel remorseful. And while I think it was remorse at having been caught, initially, in the days that followed she realized she had jeopardized everything she had with me and was sorry for that and for hurting me.

8). To completely forgive her H for everything in the past. To release the blame,anger, and hurt she held throughout their M.

She did do this. A lot of it was that I had instituted changes. Unfortunately (more on this later) my changes were temporary just to save the MR rather then real and lasting.

9). To be wiling to do whatever it takes for the MR to heal.

She was. I, however, was not. She asked for IC and MC. At the time I didn't want to spend the money (our financial sitch was vastly different in 2005 than it is now). Again this was my fault, not hers.

10). To agree and cooperate with the H's choice of transparency plan (accountability), sending a NC letter, having any medical tests, ending any friendships out of his request, (and of course, any contact with OM), place of employment, giving him requested information, attending MC, or anything else the H may request in order to ensure the success of their reconciliation, and the safety of the MR.

She did this. I still have a copy of the email she sent. She ended the friendship, and went no contact. She did slip up on that once, but it was quickly squashed by OM AND, she later regretted even that. She wanted IC and MC but I refused.

11). Accept/agree, without resentment, that she is in no position to give her H any "conditions" to her going back into the MR. And, to accept without resentment, that the greatest level of work in piecing the M back together, must come from her.

Again, she did this but I only asked her to end the EA and have no contact with OM.

12). To accept that it will take time for her healthy emotions to be restored. To realize and accept she cannot measure the success of their progress by her feelings.

I think she did this but no way to know for sure. As once the EA was over I went back to pre-BD behavior.

13). To be informed, and accept, that she must go through withdrawals from her AP, and could experience depression. She needs to understand this is normal, and not a sign that she will have never have feelings for H.

She worked through this. Neither of us knew or understood this. I was more concerned that this meant she would never have feelings for me again, not her. In fact, she started making efforts to reignite the feelings. I was obtuse related to this.

13). And the hardest one of all.........learn to forgive herself.

I think she struggled with this the most.

After BD#1 she did a complete 180, immediately said she wanted to save the marriage, and started working towards that. She did have OM withdrawals. She processed through that better than I did.

The mistakes after BD#1 were almost exclusively on my side. I think I had trouble forgiving her. And I think I let that make me feel that she OWED me. I did mention it a few times over the next few years, but by 2010 never mentioned it. I had, however, gone back to my poor behavior as a H. Not empathizing with her, not listening to her, taking her for granted, being mean a surly, withdrawing into myself. By 2012 I had an HD TV in our MBR and would come home from work and spend all evening in there by myself. By 2017 I had become a pretty bad H other than providing for my family. Even then I nitpicked every single penny she spent. I was pretty bad.

BD#1 was on her (a lot of the worst behavior wasn't present pre-BD, though there was some.) BD#2 was mostly on me, looking back. Does that excuse her? Absolutely not. But the mistake I made after BD#1 was not doing the work I NEEDED to do. Not taking her up on IC and MC for us, and allowing myself to go back to pre-BD#1 behavior......and worse.