Here's the thing, she doesn't want you right now. So yes, if S or D happens then for her the grass WILL be greener because all she wants is "not you" and that is what she will get. I think a lot of LBS's think that the WAS just needs a quick wake-up call and she will see the folly of her ways. No, it never works that way. She has a lengthy process to go through that will take many long months or maybe even years, and it likely will not even start until after S. Her views about you will eventually change but for now they are set and they will not change soon.
You are correct about that—she’s effectively fired me as H, and I need to remember that.
Do you not help with the nighttime feedings and getting the kids ready in the morning? I kind of get the impression that you are trying to punish her and "teach her a lesson" in every way you can think of, but this is all probably backfiring on you. DB'ing is showing her what she will be MISSING. IE, if she gets up at 2am and you tell her "I've got this, why don't you go back to sleep" well THAT is showing her something she will be missing after S. But if she gets up every time and you never help, and she gets up in the morning and takes care of the kids and you are already gone because you don't want to be inconvenienced with some bad traffic, what are you showing her that she would miss? Nothing it sounds like.
I do help with nighttime, where I can. YS breast-feeds and it’s really difficult for him to take a bottle, otherwise I would. Could I try it—well, that might entail lots of screaming / carrying on from YS (at least at first), and that would not help anyone. She’s asked me that when she is around that she feeds him. In that respect, I carry out her wishes. What I do at night is diaper-change, and if he won’t go back to sleep, I have often stayed up with him and walked him around the house to help him get back to sleep.
I help pick up the boys from school / daycare, and when she goes away on work trips, I’m responsible for everyone. Part of my thinking with respect to getting to school early is that I try to get as much done early as I can so I can be more present to everyone later on, when I get home, in the evening.
Sounds like there is a lot of bitterness and resentment between the two of you. This is NOT loving detachment. Read Sandi's rules, that is your roadmap on how to behave. There is NOTHING in Sandi's rules about being cold and indifferent.
Yeah.....I need to look at that again. I’ve been trying to detach, but I’m not doing it correctly. What I’ve been trying to do is not start conversations unless she does—or did I misunderstand that piece of advice? This is in reference to the 37 rules, correct? I know I’ve been struggling with showing her happiness / contentment, and that is defintiely something I need to be more intentional about.
It sounds like you don't give her much credit for being able to function on her own. You might be surprised at just how capable she is.
She can be plenty capable—one of the things that originally attracted me to her. What I’m struggling with right now is why she wants things from me when she’s trying to fire me as H. She does love being on her own for work trips—but that is ON HER OWN, no me, no OS—that’s it. She also made a big deal about wanting me to stay home for 3.5 weeks on paid paternity leave, which I did. Once again, for me, it’s the disconnect—she wanted me around, but even after that time period, she floated the S / D back in mid-October (not even a week after I went back to work).
Thanks, A/S. You have given me a lot to think about, and I mean that.
