The grass of leaving me (to be by herself, to be with OM, if he exists, or whatever), may not always be greener.
Here's the thing, she doesn't want you right now. So yes, if S or D happens then for her the grass WILL be greener because all she wants is "not you" and that is what she will get. I think a lot of LBS's think that the WAS just needs a quick wake-up call and she will see the folly of her ways. No, it never works that way. She has a lengthy process to go through that will take many long months or maybe even years, and it likely will not even start until after S. Her views about you will eventually change but for now they are set and they will not change soon.
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And then, in light of these sentences above, I can’t help but wonder where I went wrong.
I think you know that and are working on it. I think what you're really asking is why did it happen to you? But it's not just you. It happened to you, to me, to hundreds of others posting here every day, to thousands and tens of thousands that don't post here. We're not being punished anymore than someone who has cancer is being punished. This is life, bad things happen and the measure of who we are is not what we're like when things are perfect, it's what we do when the bad things happen.
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YS woke up for a couple of feedings last night—I heard W say to YS that she hopes to go to bed because she is so tired. I just think of ‘grass is always greener...’—that this will NOT get easier in the event we split, but I’m not gonna tell her that.
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And at dinner, W is going on and on and on about how she’ll have to get both kids together in the AM plus herself and get everyone out the door on time and it’s going to be hard and so much work and this and that and the other. (I leave for work super early, because I like to beat SoCal traffic, I often have early morning meetings and I like to take advantage of the peace and quiet to get stuff done).
Do you not help with the nighttime feedings and getting the kids ready in the morning? I kind of get the impression that you are trying to punish her and "teach her a lesson" in every way you can think of, but this is all probably backfiring on you. DB'ing is showing her what she will be MISSING. IE, if she gets up at 2am and you tell her "I've got this, why don't you go back to sleep" well THAT is showing her something she will be missing after S. But if she gets up every time and you never help, and she gets up in the morning and takes care of the kids and you are already gone because you don't want to be inconvenienced with some bad traffic, what are you showing her that she would miss? Nothing it sounds like.
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Today will probably be grocery, taking down Christmas decorations. I hope it will involve me holding YS and watching football while W and OS do that.
So again, you leave her to do all the work? What's she going to miss?
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W and I are very silent towards each other when in the car, and I’m having trouble becoming comfortable with it. When we’re home, it’s better—she tries to make small talk at times, but I’m really not having it
Sounds like there is a lot of bitterness and resentment between the two of you. This is NOT loving detachment. Read Sandi's rules, that is your roadmap on how to behave. There is NOTHING in Sandi's rules about being cold and indifferent.
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She’ll have to get the storage bins or whatever ON HER OWN, she’ll have to do dinner ON HER OWN
It sounds like you don't give her much credit for being able to function on her own. You might be surprised at just how capable she is.
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especially if YS is hungry and no one else will be there to make dinner for her or watch the boys, she’ll have to SERVE HER OWN dinner, and take care of herself and the boys ON HER OWN.
Only when she has the kids. On the days you have the kids she won't have to worry about it at all. That's probably what she's thinking, that she'll have a lot more freedom then she has now.
