two steps forward, three steps back (burned)

[burned]

I know you are probably feeling like crap right now and I am sorry that my writing has caused you discomfort. But things had to be said and IMO it is better to be brutally honest and not sugar coating things.

Brutally honest works for me, but it also makes me react kind of defensively. My goal is to challenge the ideas so as to better understand them. But even then, I'm intellectualizing, which is an avoidance tactic.

The proper MO would be to let her run the show with the rationale it's her divorce, she can do the legwork for it.

This is consistent with what people here have been saying. I've had a lot of trouble aligning it with the other advice, which is that I shouldn't let her run the show.

Could it not be understood that you filing is a clear signal to her that you do not want her in your life? Now she has it in black and white that you are divorcing her and she can continue playing the victim, big bad Burned divorcing sweet fragile devastated Mrs. Burned. I still maintain that you did it only to try and shake her out of it.

Nailed it. That was my intent. "Sh1t or get off the pot." I'm not her plan B, I don't want to be married to someone who clearly wants a D. Right? So again it's hard to combine those two different ideas.

Also, there is not a single person in real life who hasn't told me I should move the process forward. "Give her what she wants, don't be a jerk, don't cling to her." So I'm told to just tell them to leave me alone about it. But then they say "Well then don't come crying to us!" And who else do I go crying to? Maybe that's the point of GAL.

And she called my bluff! Or, rather, she didn't say anything either way. So I don't know what she thinks and I'm going to actively try to stop mind reading all the time.

the work that is in front of you is ATM internal and not external. You have to rebuild you. I know you are probably shaking your head reading this thinking WTF. It takes time to understand, even more so to get one's ass in gear and start moving

I want to SAY "I get this" but apparently I'm not getting it. It makes sense, rationally. I just seem to be incapable of functioning when I fear that someone is going to hurt me. And I fear the D will hurt me. So there's one area where I could do some work.

For the record, I've been in IC. IC thinks I have to "act despite the fear" which means just do the darn D already. Yet he is also in favor of "do what's right for you and stand up for yourself" which is consistent with what people here say but not entirely consistent with "getting it overwith." So which do I choose? Then he says "Choose what's right for you and accept responsibility for the consequences." So...yeah.

I've also been going to Co-dependents Anonymous groups beginning in December. Mildly helpful. I am starting to see the irony in that I'm trying to "please" everyone by trying to figure out what they want me to do and then do it. Like, people who say "do the D already," I feel a need to please them, because they make a good argument in favor of it. Likewise for the opposite. Ugh.

Do you want to be divorced? If the answer is no, than do not file, let her file.

No, with all of my heart I do not want to be divorced. Rationally, it seems like the best outcome for everyone. But emotionally, it's not what I want.

So what do I do? Just let it sit? She will say, "You said you'd get the paperwork done so that you could transfer the money." How do I respond to that without looking like a wishy-washy plan B? I dug myself into a bad hole here.