you pulled the D trigger just to get a response from her
It’s what she wanted, asked for, etc. I’ve been accused of being controlling, manipulative, egocentric, clinging. I give her what she wants as a first step in trying NOT to be those things.
Originally Posted by Vapo
You are playing in her hand beautifully.
Is there anything to be gained from being oppositional?
Originally Posted by Vapo
that is in fact just fancy wording for lying to yourself and making excuses for yourself so you do not have to do any work. Classic avoidance that is. And also you are actively sabotaging yourself. One has to wonder if you are sabotaging yourself in other aspects of your life as well.
You hit the nail on the head, obviously. My question is still along the same lines: if I’m learning to fight avoidance, and doing the work that I don’t want to do, namely, letting her go and giving her the D she wants...isn’t that progress, at least for me? Like, a first step so that then I can start doing the rest of the work, unencumbered by the guilt I feel for refusing to do what she asks?
I appreciate the time you take to respond. I’m doing my best but it’s a long road ahead. I’m just really, really confused by all of the different advice I get.
Anything else I can do now, or will it make it worse if I back down?
B,
I know you are probably feeling like crap right now and I am sorry that my writing has caused you discomfort. But things had to be said and IMO it is better to be brutally honest and not sugar coating things.
Originally Posted by Burned
Originally Posted by Vapo
You are playing in her hand beautifully.
Is there anything to be gained from being oppositional?
There is a difference in being oppositional and being an instigator. The proper MO would be to let her run the show with the rationale it's her divorce, she can do the legwork for it. And to answer you with your own argument. Could it not be understood that you filing is a clear signal to her that you do not want her in your life? Now she has it in black and white that you are divorcing her and she can continue playing the victim, big bad Burned divorcing sweet fragile devastated Mrs. Burned. I still maintain that you did it only to try and shake her out of it. Guess what, you failed. No biggie, dust yourself off and stand tall again. Let her file if she must, I very much doubt the insta D will offer you much solace.
I know you must feel you are doing something, but the work that is in front of you is ATM internal and not external. You have to rebuild you. I know you are probably shaking your head reading this thinking WTF. It takes time to understand, even more so to get one's ass in gear and start moving, it is only after you started moving you see what a magical journey lies ahead. You will see you can achieve much more than you ever dreamed of.
Originally Posted by burned
I appreciate the time you take to respond. I’m doing my best but it’s a long road ahead. I’m just really, really confused by all of the different advice I get.
What different advice did you get? I must say I follow your thread closely and I cannot remember any advice given to you that would be conflicting. Please remember you can always use these boards to bounce of ideas you might have. Or if you have a problem grasping a concept, we will repeat, reshape it for you to better understand.
To finish this post I would just like to ask you one thing. Do you want to be divorced? If the answer is no, than do not file, let her file.
