NC made no diffference. S made no difference. GAL made no difference. 180s were irrelevant because of NC. I stopped trying to control her, which apparently came across as me not caring about her and not having a backbone. To be clear, I’m NOT criticizing DB. I just think in my case it wasn’t effective in saving this M.
And I should also be clear that I did all of these things with expectations, and with too much focus on her. So that’s definitely on me.
A couple of 2x4s.
From above written it is clear to me, that you pulled the D trigger just to get a response from her. Fail No. 1
Originally Posted by burned
NC made no diffference. S made no difference. GAL made no difference. 180s were irrelevant because of NC.
- Fail No. 2 You have been told by all the vets 2 most important things:
1. This is a marathon, not a sprint and it would be months if not years before any developments can be felt. 2. NC, GAL and 180s are for YOU and not your W.
For fcuck's sake, you pulled the D trigger and you are paving the way for your W's divorce. You are playing in her hand beautifully. I cannot wrap my brain around your statement that DB in your case wasn't effective in saving your M. Dude, you have been DB'ing a couple of months now and frankly, you kinda sucked at it. But that's OK, when I was in your time frame I probably sucked worse.
You are still doing an awful amount of mind reading. Fail No. 3 You do have a tendency to shape your mind reading so it kinda fits the facts and your expectations, that is in fact just fancy wording for lying to yourself and making excuses for yourself so you do not have to do any work. Classic avoidance that is. And also you are actively sabotaging yourself. One has to wonder if you are sabotaging yourself in other aspects of your life as well.
With all 2x4s exhausted I now have a couple of words of caution.
I am afraid that now your D is imminent, you will not realize that you need to change/grow/advance yourself. I am afraid you will end up divorced, you will mourn a bit, then you will start a new relationship on the rebound and without learning your lesson, you will end up right back here in a decade or so. I noticed on another thread that you said my words are stern, but they are keeping you in check and that made me chuckle.
Growing is hard, changing is hard, but there really is no other healthy way. I do hope you realize that in time, before you further enmesh yourself.
With words of caution exhausted, let me just finish by wishing you all the best on your further journey. All the 2x4s are used in a loving way, because I care.
All of us here are in your corner, but the direction you steer your life is ultimately yours alone.
