LBS dealing with WW (part 7) (piecing?)

[Joe2017]

First, thanks for letting me know I'm not a jerk who just wants a hot girl on his arm. Getting the girl is not the hard part for me.

When she was thinner she was pushing herself to be "more" and you don't get that drive from her. I see what you're saying. You deserve to have someone who is working to be their best while you also work to be your best. You want a strong partner.

Her body is a symptom. I hope that it does not show that she is resigned to being her normal weight, but more that she is comfortable again being her normal weight. It sounds like the former. How is she dressing? Too casually, or like she cares about and respects herself?

You say you wanted her to be subservient and repenting. But with her weight it sounds like you want someone strong and taking care of themselves. Those are often two different things. I think what you want is someone who knows their own value and chooses you. A strong person will be remorseful for a true wrong doing. A strong person won't be subservient. They'll be your equal, and assist you as you assist them - each in different ways.

Hi Yail!

Yes, that's it. That's it exactly... I want a strong partner. XW was weak, and became WW.

She is not "resigned" to being her normal weight. She is going to the gym and has lost a four pounds since we started dating again a few weeks ago.

It's just that she struggled for years and years with it while we were married. Never got it under control like she wanted until the end, and as soon as she was slender she went and cheated on me like I wasn't worth the gum on her shoe. Her phone has some sexy selfies on it that I know she must have sent her OM or other OM. In 6 years of marriage, even after asking and explaining, she never once sent me a sexy selfie. Not one. Did I mention not one? It was like I wasn't worth it to her.

As far as her being subservient, I guess that's the wrong word. From my perspective it's more like... she actually listens to me. In R1 she never really listened to me. Everything had to be her way or she would not be happy about it. I am extremely financially responsible yet she never let me handle money. The list goes on. So maybe it's more about her respecting me as a man and as a partner. I feel her respecting me now, and it feels good.

And congrats on dropping the 15 lbs! I am 50 lbs lighter than I was at BD last year. Just keep up the GAL and get at least some activity in every day! I bet you look great!

Everyone wants to be in your position without realizing that this process can be downright painful.

I do second LH's red flags. The walkaway/wayward has to go their path and take that time before turning around to the LBS. I'm afraid that she can't handle being alone and she's come back to you, even if she's done everything right by the book as Sandi always talks about.

About the men she's slept with, there are just two camps - you can be okay with it, or you can't. There is just no middle ground. I think you have to decide where you fall and that can help in your decision on what you want to do. AS has talked about this a bit and I am paraphrasing in my own words - you can treat her like a new girlfriend and you know that she's had lovers in the past and because you're building something new together, her past comes with her as a package. If you can't do that, then you're better off ending it.

Thanks Maika. Yes... it is painful. DB is great to recover your own self dignity and respect. It's harder to give the same back to the WAS/WS because of what they did to the LBS. It's absolutely difficult because there is no more blind faith.

I understand the red flags. We talked about it today, and I think she was telling the truth about the number of OM's, and I misinterpreted something I read on her phone. I am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, even if she may not deserve it yet. I am trying to help her along in her journey as much as I can, without enabling any bad behaviors or assisting her with any of the aftermath of the A.

Joe,

I was hard on my W for the first few months as well. I remember one day she just broke, just broke down, started shaking and crying, she couldn't talk. It had to be around 5 or 6 months into piecing. What she told me, hit me hard. She said, she is trying her hardest to show me she wants to be with me and only me, but I was making impossible demands. And she was right. I was always finding reasons for her to fix something. Because I always was looking for her wrongs. She was right. I was so worried about looking for her hurting me again, I was looking at her in a narrow light. She started going down the list of all she was doing, and I didnt see quite a bit of what she was doing right. When a person hurts us we tend to hold that hurt over their head.

I say your W actions are showing you she wants to be with you. Your W will get frustrated as well. It's not easy on either side of this journey.

Thanks again joejoe. I tend to agree with you. I think she is making a lot of effort to regain my trust.

I remember getting a call from XW on the day our D was final. She told me that the paperwork was done and signed. She said she was exhausted from being in the hospital all night, getting discharged and going straight to court. Apparently, the night before she broke down, had some sort of episode, got taken to the ER, and had to be sedated. I think she was in a lot of pain and she was really torn about the D.

Tonight she called me. She was watching something on TV and just wanted to chat. She spent the rest of the phone call sobbing about how she misses our MR and how she should have never given up on us and how she would do anything to go back and change things. How she would do so many things differently and never take me for granted again. She just kept crying about everything, like selling her wedding band when she hit rock bottom. I just validated and tried to comfort her. I really didn't know how to handle it. I wasn't prepared to feel it with her like I would have been only a couple years ago.

This is weird to say, but at some point I am going to have to pick up the rope again.