[Wanted1]

Journaling

This weekend was hard. W and I decided to tell the kids last night which we sort of had a pregame meeting about. She told me that one of her friend's kids that is in Kindergarten came home and told her mom that "X's mom and dad are getting a 'vorce and it's happening tonight." It wasn't our situation she was talking about but it came as a shock to W and then obviously to me when W told me this story that kids in Kindergarten are talking about such things. So, during the pregame, W said we need to assure the kids that they are still loved, that Mom and Dad are going through some adult things and that Mom has decided to get a place of her own so the kids will now have two bedrooms and sometimes they will stay with dad and sometimes they will stay with mom.

I initially told W that I wasn't going to lie to them if they had questions. That if a question is asked, I was going to tell them we need to let mom do what makes her happy. She of course lost it and said I can't say that because then the kids will jump to the conclusion that mom isn't happy with them in this house (well, isn't that pretty much the case?!) She called me a child and that it's so hard to communicate with me, etc. etc. etc. I ended up relenting and told her I wasn't going to say a word. She can do the talking. She of course had a problem with that too but I just said, let's go do it and get it over with.

The talk went as good as could be expected I guess. S3 and D6 didn't really say much. S3 pretty much had no clue what was going on and I don't think was even listening to us. D6's questions were basically asking where the apartment was. D7 started off somewhat excited and then I think she realized what was going on and started hugging W and kind of tearing up. That caused me a tear up too. Not full blown crying but I had tears in my eyes. However, during the talk, W made it a point to say to the kids, "If anyone at school asks you if your parents are divorced or getting a divorced, we are not." Either she said "we are not" or "we are not at this time." I can't recall exactly. I'm not sure why she said that? Thoughts? I mean, she filed December 21st. We were emailing property settlement offers back and forth last week. I don't get why she would make it a point to mention that to the kids.....I'm not expecting it means anything just more or less curious about her thought process there.

This morning we all went to Mass together. There was breakfast after Mass and W told the kids they could go look at the apartment after the breakfast. I drove separately to Mass because I didn't want to go to the breakfast and had no interest in going to the apartment with them. W texted me as they were headed tot the apartment and told me I'm welcome to come over. I responded with "I just don't think I can. Thanks for the invite." I didn't see them the rest of the day. I decided to take a drive this afternoon and get some groceries which was about an hour drive away. As I was leaving, I texted W and asked if I should pick up supper and they could meet me at the house. She said sure. Half way home, she texts me that the kids really want me to come to the apartment. They want to show me it and they made cookies and were already bathed and in pajamas but it was my call if I wanted to go over there or not. If I didn't, she would load them up and come to the house. I didn't respond right away. About a half hour later she asked again. I said, "The kids come first, I'll just come there and eat quick." I got there and the kids were all so excited to show me their room. They had drawn pictures for me and showed me the cookies they baked. We ate and I was there for a total of about 20 min. Then came the part where I had to say goodbye. They plan to stay with W until Wednesday because Thursday the kids and I leave for a vacation I booked about 2 mo ago. They won't see W for about 5 days, so I think its' only right that they spend some time with her. That goodbye was really tough. It hit me what was going on. I held it together until I got outside the building. I couldn't catch my breath. Once I got home as I was putting groceries away I couldn't stop crying.

The house is SO quiet. This will be the first night of my new life where I don't have my kids everyday. It's so weird, 6 mo ago I would look forward to nights where I didn't have kid responsibilities. Now, all I want is my family back together again. Those stupid "why me? what did I do to deserve this" thoughts came creeping in. I tried to suppress them quickly but this just blows. I'm sure tonight will be the worst and it will gradually get better....

On another note, a week ago or so, W texted me something the basically inferred that my DBing showed her that I didn't want her back. That my actions showed her her decision to leave, file, etc. were justified. I didn't respond. I thought about that text again last night as I was lying in bed. Wondering if I would have done something different for these past 2 months would have changed anything. Then I remembered reading a vet's advice on another thread the other day which basically inferred that it doesn't matter what you do, you will always be wrong and/or it will never be enough. I think that pretty much is the case for me. I could have done everything absolutely perfect and I would be willing to bet I would be in the same place I am right now. Of course, W wants me to think differently. Rewriting history trying to now say she hasn't had 2 feet out the door since Sept. Actions speak louder than words, however.

This vacation with my kids is coming at a very opportune time.