two steps forward, three steps back (burned)

[burned]

Eventful day. Got fed up with waiting for W to “fill out forms and mail them” so I emailed her my proposal today. L thought it was very favorable to me and fair to W. W had a couple questions which I answered to her satisfaction.

She didn’t put up a fight, and it doesn’t seem to bother her that things are moving forward. Apparently it’s easier to get a D than to adopt a dog. We could go to court tomorrow morning and be done before lunch.

It all just hurts. She really just doesn’t care, apparently. She just wants out. I know it’s not FACTUALLY true but I FEEL like some kind of ogre, that she would just nonchalantly agree to the terms and run away. I’ve been reading lots of old threads, R2C quotes threads, etc. to try to find some solace. Nothing is helping. Whatever she’s after is so much “better” than our M, in her mind, that she’s willing to just say “F it” and move on. I know we don’t have kids and I’m young and so forth, so maybe it’s wrong of me to piss and moan about how hard this is. But I’m human too.

I haven’t clicked “send” yet but my next email to her is, “Sounds good, do you have time this week to meet me at the courthouse?” If it’s gonna happen anyway and she clearly wants it, it’ll be over and done before the weekend.

Sort of feels like a Mexican standoff or some perverted game of chicken. Well, she didn’t flinch.

I guess I decided that this was a necessary step in the process. Things were stagnant. NC made no diffference. S made no difference. GAL made no difference. 180s were irrelevant because of NC. I stopped trying to control her, which apparently came across as me not caring about her and not having a backbone. To be clear, I’m NOT criticizing DB. I just think in my case it wasn’t effective in saving this M.

But you know what? FUNK that M. It was a piece of SH1T for both of us. I’d never marry the person I was, and if I did I’d divorce the sh1t out of that loser. Burned 2.0 will be better. Someday. W won’t know it because she will be married to OM and doing her part in contributing to the statistics about second marriages. I’ll lick my wounds and then reemerge like a motherdunking EAGLE. (In other words, I think I may have just hit AnotherStander Stage 4 or 5.)

This. Suxcs.

Please hit me with the hickory 2x4s if my thinking needs adjustment. I mean it feels sort of good to take control and torch this nonsense. But in the end I still think she’ll be better off.