I have had the kids since Thursday when H and I met for lunch and did handover. He has been away with work since (I assume). He is supposed to pick them up from school tomorrow but there was some confusion about the children start dates and D9 doesn't actually start until Tuesday so my H has agreed to have her all day. I offered to let him stay here tonight (as he lands late) and that way both he and D9 can stay in bed a little longer. No pressure. No expectations. When I asked him on Thurs he didn't commit but called earlier today say if it was still OK he would like to stay here tonight.
Here is a lesson in not making assumptions because assumptions lead to cheeseless. Because my H did not say yes or no straight away I assumed he had 'unconfirmed' plans or he had plans and didn't want to say so. Turns out neither was correct. TBH the tunnels for me aren't that bad. Putting the pieces of the puzzle together (and getting it wrong), getting heated up for a minute, then shelving it and getting on with my day. But, back when I was spinning this is the kind of thing that would have kept me up all night. My mind would have been racing with all sorts of scenarios - all of them ending with me crying into my pillow - hating him and wanting him back in equal measure.
Assumptions do not help any of us to heal.
Anyway, we seem to be slowly moving into a kind of friendly co-parent dynamic. We don't actively try and upset one another and we try and be thoughtful of the other one's feelings. The last two days and today he has called the children at night (as normal) and asked to speak to me (not so normal). He has been arranging a play date for D9 and he wanted (each time he called) to confirm some detail of it. Nothing major. Logistics. But it could have been done on text (our normal means of communication) and it wasn't. I am not reading too much into this. It does not point to him wanting to come back, but it does suggest a softening of his stance towards me (and mine to him).
D9 had her playdate today and D12 had football. I gave football a miss as had promised the girls I would make a cake for MIL's birthdayand I had bought a new cake mixer yesterday, one of those really expensive, totally unnecessary Magimix things, and I was dying to try it out. So, most of the day on my own playing music very loudly and baking.
My H's dad (his real dad and not step dad) came around to give D9 her christmas gift (the one he originally bought was too big) and had a good chat with him. He does not want to get involved, but he did say that he was sorry it turned out this way. He believes (as does all my H's family) that he is going through a MLC. I said I think that MLC is a necessary transition (like childhood to teenager) and how much damage caused during that transition depends on how happy we are and how sure we are in ourselves. He looked me square in the eyes and said, rather sadly, that he couldn't understand what my H had to be unhappy about. To him I am warm and generous, smart and funny. We had the big house the lovely children and the high status jobs. What on earth could my H be unhappy about. That must have plagues my H as well. That I could be one person to him and someone else completely different to everyone else.
Interestingly, we had commissioned a builder to do some work in the garden for us last year. My H already has the money for it. I gave him my half ages ago. The builder is about half way there but had to stop due to weather etc. I spoke to H about it a few weeks ago and asked him to contact the builder. The builder is a friend of FIL and me FIL told me that H had asked the builder not to do any more work until the spring. I will call the builder tomorrow and find out what the deal is. Either H has spent the money or he is trying to delay completion of the works - I cannot (though an not really considering it) put the house on the market until the work is complete. FIL said he will speak to the builder and ask him to keep quite about restarting. I told him that no - I would not keep secrets and do not expect to put others in that same situation.
Anyway, the cake turned out beautifully, and once the girls were back from their activities, we all went to MIL's house, except H, who is away with work, and had dinner. My SIL was there with her baby daughter and we had a lovely evening (not talking about my H). I hope I can build a bridge with my SIL. I really do miss her.
I am now going to madly clean the house before H turns up this evening. Even though I no longer panic about what unfinished task he finds when he comes over, as a 180, I try and make sure there is as little for him to moan about as possible.Undoubtedly he will find something to be unhappy about, probably the fact that I spent a small fortune on a cake mixer. However, it is my fortune to waste as I so see fit.
