Getting Mixed Signals - New Thread

[Living]

Venting...

I took a little break from everything to get through the holidays.

For the past couple of days I’ve been a bit emotional. I’ve cried several times out of nowhere. Truth is, I’m loosing faith that my marriage will survive this. I’ve prayed about it but I truly loosing hope and faith.

I never in a million years imagined that my marriage would end up in this fragile place. If I would have known things would’ve come to this, I wouldn’t have gotten married. When I love, I love hard. However, what has that gotten me? I’ve been a faithful and loyal wife. However what has that gotten me? Life can be so unfair at times. I know...I know I sound really down on myself right now. As I said above, I have good days and bad days.

The sad thing is I’m sure my H has gotten used to sleeping in the spare bedroom. Equally sad, I’m getting used to him not sleeping with me. There was a time not too long ago in our marriage when I couldn’t sleep well when he wasn’t in bed with me. I would be up and down all night. In fact, tears roll down my face as I type this.

I feel like I’m torn. I’m torn between trying to remain true to my vows and stand for my marriage. I try to think maybe this is the worse in for better or for worse. Maybe we can survive this. I’m torn between wanting to be patient and hopeful.

The other side of me wants to say forget this mess. This is not what I wanted for my marriage. Part of me wants to walk away. We are living like roommates and I’m better than this. However something is holding me back and it pisses me off. Like why can’t I just walk away from this fool? Why am I allowing myself to live in limbo and wait on him to wake the heck up?

Some days I see the old him, we’ll laugh and it seems like old times. He’ll be afffectionate and I see the man I fell in love with. Then some days he reverts back to being distant and withdrawn.

The scary thing for me is now I’m starting to feel like my feelings for him are changing. I still love him and haven’t gotten to the point where I’ve given up. But things are changing and I’m scared the longer we live this way, the worse it will get. I’ve started to look at other happily married couples and envy that. I’ve started to think...is there someone else out there who would love me the way I deserve? Am I supposed to be married to someone else? Is my H truly my soulmate? It hurts so much to even type those questions.

That’s why I’ve decided that I need to work and make as much money as I can this year. I need to be able to financially support myself. For the past 4 years my husband has been the sole provider. I’ve made a living but not enough to survive on my own. I went back to college to get a degree and he was supportive during that. He took care of te household and the bills.

I’m just so sad, torn, and confused.