8:00 a.m. Mass with OS, then Sunday school for him—the usual, for a Sunday. Now I’m at a Starbucks down the street from our parish, having coffee and doing this, and just getting out instead out sticking around the parish hall and hearing / watching a video about marriage. No thanks, not right now.
Mass was full of spiritual headshots for me today. I really like the parish—it’s more traditional / conservative, and we have really great priests.
Our presider today was on the money with his homily. For Catholics, today is the Feast of the Epiphany—an appearance, a revelation, a manifestation of Christ, and the 3 Magi come to give him the gifts.
It also hurts because last Sunday was The Feast of the Holy Family, and this weekend is the Epiphany—so a perfect time for a BDing.
Our priest in his homily hit me between the eyes—he talked about how the grass isn’t always greener, and that if it is greener, we shouldn’t mess up someone else’s lawn. The idea that we are responsible for our own happiness. It hit me square in the face, and my eyes started to tear up, and I said under my breath ‘Thank you, Father.’
I know that this could very well apply to me, given my postings from yesterday. But I also know that it could very well apply to W. The grass of leaving me (to be by herself, to be with OM, if he exists, or whatever), may not always be greener.
Going to Mass kinda hurts right now—but having a H / W with 5 kids sit down in the pew in front of me and OS hurts. I shouldn’t, but I also do look at other woman at church—I find a sense of spirituality / devotion attractive.
And then, in light of these sentences above, I can’t help but wonder where I went wrong. I prayed so hard for a woman to share my life and faith with—and both of those things seem very much in peril right now. Where did I go wrong? This still doesn’t seem real—that I have her parenting proposal still in my jacket from Friday night’s BDing.
I almost lost it during Communion at Mass—the Communion hymn was ‘Greensleeves / What Child Is This?’ I’ve NEVER liked that song, and I’ve also found it sad, but today it especially hit. I think about YS, and how he is so sweet, so loving, so innocent in all this, and my heart breaks for him. I was crying, but trying to keep it from OS (he was reading until we went in Communion line), and as he went in front of her in the line when it was our turn, my body chest was shaking and tears were going down my face as I heard ‘This, This is Christ the King...’. I’m tearing up right now.
And to cap it all off, the St. Michael the Archangel prayer always hits me hard recently, but especially the last few weeks.
Well......literally just a few minutes ago, our pastor (whom I respect very deeply and received Communion from this morning) just came in to the coffee shop and he saw me and recognized me. He went over to say Hi, and I started to ask him for prayers but the tears just came. He asked if there was anything he could pray for....and, between tears as he clasped my hand, I said my family, and then I just leveled with him and told him that my W wants to leave. He said he will pray for us, and he recommended to me to do or say whatever I need to to convince her to stay. Talk about timing.
YS woke up for a couple of feedings last night—I heard W say to YS that she hopes to go to bed because she is so tired. I just think of ‘grass is always greener...’—that this will NOT get easier in the event we split, but I’m not gonna tell her that.
Today will probably be grocery, taking down Christmas decorations. I hope it will involve me holding YS and watching football while W and OS do that. In the event that W and OS go out for something, I may take YS for a walk. Or maybe I’ll do that anyway.
I know this week I should have some preliminary conversations with a lawyer. I also need to prepare myself for things to get much, much darker—between us, but also within myself.
And I saw this in another post, but I need to not indulge that darkness, that resentment. Don’t let the bitterness win, and don’t demonize her.
But if this is a cry for help on her end—what do I make of this?
