Now I feel like she only came back to me because she feels unattractive, yet knew I was someone who accepted her regardless of her body.
But it makes me feel like -- at least physically -- she gave her best to everyone else instead of me. And now I get leftovers?
Yeah, that's super shallow. Trust me I know. I am not actually that superficial, but I can't help this feeling that I'm settling for my XW. This is NOT about her appearance as much as it is the idea that she worked her ass off to give her ass to other dudes. And now she's probably never going to get to that level physically again.
I really just feel like I'm settling for XW... not only emotionally and relationally, but now physically as well. Judge me if you like, but I feel like I've gotten the short end of the stick throughout this entire relationship.
I have never ever thought this way about my wife before, but now I do. It worries me how shallow this feels. I feel like a damn male chauvinist pig for having these feelings,
I don't know what's wrong with me.
First of all - I do not think this at all makes you chauvinistic. Not in this case - I'd say so if I thought you were. Please take that guilt off your plate.
I think you've done a really good job explaining that what is really bothering you is you feel like you aren't getting the very best version of XW.
When she was thinner she was pushing herself to be "more" and you don't get that drive from her. I see what you're saying. You deserve to have someone who is working to be their best while you also work to be your best. You want a strong partner.
Her body is a symptom. I hope that it does not show that she is resigned to being her normal weight, but more that she is comfortable again being her normal weight. It sounds like the former. How is she dressing? Too casually, or like she cares about and respects herself?
She may need to boomerang a bit more as she learns who she really is. She pushed herself too hard in one (wrong) direction before. But something wasn't right when she was with you the first time either. I'd encourage her to keep striving to find happiness in herself, but right now she probably wants to feel safe with you too. There's a lot on her plate.
I will say too that I've lost 15lbs in my own divorce diet. I look good. But we know that the reasons for me losing this weight are not healthy, so keep that in mind too. She lost the weight before for an unhealthy reason, so it wasn't really "her best" that OM was getting.
Originally Posted by Joe2017
My XW has come back and repented. She is remorseful. She is subservient. In SO MANY ways, she is now the wife I always wanted during our marriage, but never got, because she tells me that she knows she was deficient so she is working to fix it.
You say you wanted her to be subservient and repenting. But with her weight it sounds like you want someone strong and taking care of themselves. Those are often two different things. I think what you want is someone who knows their own value and chooses you. A strong person will be remorseful for a true wrong doing. A strong person won't be subservient. They'll be your equal, and assist you as you assist them - each in different ways.
