I don't know if I will be able to get over the fact that she had a girls gone wild phase and is now supposedly over it. I have reason to believe that she had sex with more guys than she has told me about. Which is fine, I guess. It is not unlike dating someone new who I don't have any history with, except I do. I think she is lying a bit to save face. Yes, I looked at her phone. Gotta validate, right?
I don't know how to approach her about this without destroying all the work we've put into this so far. I mean, really? How do you tell the woman you love that... You LOVE her but don't trust her NOT to become a promiscuous piece of garbage again?
You know, we put so much into wanting to save our marriages that we come to a place like this. A place that literally has all of the tools and advice we'd ever need to save our own lives and POSSIBLY save our marriages after D... the second-most traumatic experience besides death that could strike us. We hope beyond hope for a chance to reconcile with the person who has left US in the dust. We pray that there was not an affair, yet 95% of the time they were screwing OP behind our backs.
Still we wait, and we DB, and we recreate ourselves into amazing people. Seriously, this site is FULL of the most amazing people that I have ever never met. We recreate ourselves, we stand up a lighthouse. We pray. We evolve and grow. We continue. We detach. We do fantastic things and overcome insurmountable obstacles.
We hear that yes, many waywards end up coming back to the spouse they betrayed. Maybe in 6 months, maybe in a year or two or three. Sometimes they are even willing to do the work to reconcile.
So here I am. In the situation I prayed to God for SO MANY TIMES. My XW has come back and repented. She is remorseful. She is subservient. In SO MANY ways, she is now the wife I always wanted during our marriage, but never got, because she tells me that she knows she was deficient so she is working to fix it. My freaking XW is doing 180's to please ME now... the person she chose to betray in the worst way possible.
She's done so much work already to try to regain my trust... seriously, she has done almost all of the things Sandi writes of when she describes how the LBS should approach a wayward who is returning. But I am so far from trusting my XW that I feel distant. And the more I become attached, the harder I want to push her away. What is wrong with me? Probably nothing but I don't feel like this is nothing.
I don't think I'm strong enough to do this. I think that this may not be worth the effort. I think I might be better off without her. I don't want to hurt her, and I don't want to hurt our kids.
I am almost close to being... Scared right now. Wow, is that normal? I've been deployed to war. I wore armor every day, carried guns, been in combat, and never ever got PTSD from it... and my freaking XW is scaring me? AGAIN???
This sht is bananas.
Originally Posted by joejoe1
Joe,
I have been blown up in Iraq. Was Medavac off the battlefield. Watch people and vehicles shot up in Iraq. Shot at with PKMs and rockets in Afghanistan. Watch my friends vehicle get blown up in Afghanistan, I watch as they all stumbled out the MATV. Fall to the grown and we pulled security until the Medavac arrived. I watch how the little girls and women are treated by the men and the smelled the horrible smells coming from little girls that made heat paddies (which was made out of doo doo and dry grass). Which, the smells is really the only thing that haunts me today. I live normal life, considering. I have a Purple Heart and a Combat Action Badge.
My mother drown in Hurricane Katrina. And right after the Hurricane I didn't hear from anybody in my family for almost a week. And I didn't find out my mother had drawn until November 10th or so. I had to go to Baton to give a DNA sample, I did that in October of 2005. My mother's body rotted in our house for over 2 months in the New Orleans Humidity. We had to have a closed casket funeral. I cried for 3 months straight after her funeral and wouldn't believe she was dead because I never got to see her body, we were advised not to view it.
None of that has been as hard as piecing and learning to trust again. This Sh!t is harder than DBing. While DBing we are freeing ourselves, moving on, dumping the craziness, once we are on that path we start to gain clarity amd freedom. In piecing we are opening up our old wounds becoming vurnable again. It's not fun, and we see all the risk with opening ourselves up again to the person that wounded us, we see all that pain we just shook off us coming back and it scares the living hell out of us. It's not easy brother and it takes time, you have to be patient. Also, it took me a while to realize but your wife is not your healer, you are. Her job is to heal herself and work on the M. Your happiness and healing is not your W responsibility, ITS YOURS!!!!
I posted in the piecing tread most of the beginning of my journey of reconnecting. Please read it. This Sh!t is a roller coaster. One day last FEB, I was holding my baby boy, out of nowhere I just look at my wife and started crying, I handed her my son and I just turned around and ran out the house. It was freezing outside, I didn't have a jacket and had shorts on. I just kept running for like 30 or 40 mins. I did sprints and everything. What made me cry was, I looked at my son, and then looked at my W and I almost yelled out I can't do this, I want a Divorce. When I came back, my W can running to the door and said are you ok. I just sat down with her and explained my feelings and thoughts. She understood.
So, yes your feelings are normal and so are your actions. Dealing with reconnecting brings on PTSD like symthoms. You are fragile right now.
Keep posting and keep going forward
Time, time, time, let time do it's work.
Oh and my W just left a 1:30 A.M to console one of her friends, her 17 year old son was shot in the head and they are pulling the plug in the morning. This world is ruthless. He was a good kid, was joining the Army when he graduate. I was at the Texans and Colts game, what a horrible game played by Houston. Driving back to SA and get that news from wife. I pulled up, she went out. Our trust of each other have gotten better. I'm a Whodat boy thou!
Please pray for my W friend. Parents shouldn't have to bury their children!!!!!
Onward and upward/forward
Originally Posted by Joe2017
WARNING: This is going to sound very superficial but I can't shake it. It's eating away at me.
XW used to be really skinny. She's very attractive. She never got what I consider to be overweight at all. But she had a few pounds on her when we first met. No big deal. She was was the woman of my dreams.
She had body image issues. So I supported her going and getting fit. I supported her going to the gym as much as she wanted. Then she went wayward, lost the weight, screwed a bunch of dudes. In fact, the OM was her gddamn coach at her gym!!!!! So, me supporting her fitness goals backfired in my face.
She was seriously HOT after the divorce. During her girls gone wild sht... She was smoking hot.
Then she gained the weight back when she hit rock bottom. Now she comes back to me when she is less attractive, and she tells me she hates how she looks.
I don't care about her weight at all. I loved her the most when she was the heaviest she's ever been in her life. Our M was very fulfilling back then and I didn't care about her weight at all.
Now I feel like she only came back to me because she feels unattractive, yet knew I was someone who accepted her regardless of her body.
But it makes me feel like -- at least physically -- she gave her best to everyone else instead of me. And now I get leftovers?
Yeah, that's super shallow. Trust me I know. I am not actually that superficial, but I can't help this feeling that I'm settling for my XW. This is NOT about her appearance as much as it is the idea that she worked her ass off to give her ass to other dudes. And now she's probably never going to get to that level physically again.
I really just feel like I'm settling for XW... not only emotionally and relationally, but now physically as well. Judge me if you like, but I feel like I've gotten the short end of the stick throughout this entire relationship.
I have never ever thought this way about my wife before, but now I do. It worries me how shallow this feels. I feel like a damn male chauvinist pig for having these feelings,
I don't know what's wrong with me.
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Joe2017
She is close to giving up because of how much she has put into getting me back only to face obstacle after obstacle.
Joe I see a lot of red flags in your situation and I am just going to give you my OPINION.
Just like bomb was the hardest thing you ever went through, this is the hardest thing she should ever go through. If she is close to giving up already that's a big red flag.
Other red flags:
She's already lying to you again. How many guys she slept with afterwards matters.
Issues with your son? I thought they worked everything out?
She is definitely looking for someone to make her happy. She hasn't even tried to be on her own at all.
Right from the start something didn't seem right to me. This happened too fast. IMO true successful recons happen way down the road after you have walked different paths and have grown and have experienced life apart.
I think you are correct that she had some crappy experiences with OM and put on some weight and has come running back to good ole Joe. You guys are still young. What happens 7 years from now when your relationship shifts and she gets bored again?
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
