I still think that there is great value in you sharing your findings with him and showing him you understand the pain he went through and your share of responsibility. Maybe it's still not the right time for it, but my opinion is that life is too short to never say it to someone you love so much. Even if you never reconcile, I think you owe it to him. Just maybe not yet...
There are only two scenarios where I will share with him all that I have shared with strangers on the internet ... if he initiates a reconciliation or as a letter handed to him just before we sign the D papers. The former as part of our process of coming back together and building a new relationship, the latter a last ditch effort to save our M.
I think sometimes that I falter on purpose. Whenever I think he is starting to think I have moved on. Neff referred to it as push pull dynamics. Neither of us want to let the other go so we give each other crumbs, not enough to say "I am making myself emotionally vulnerable to you again" but enough to say "there is still a chance".
I hope you are right DV - on some level my H wants to R. He still cares and loves me. I had no idea how much hurt I had caused him - all I could think about was my own pain for such a long time. And knowing that, and understanding that, means that I know how hard it would be for him to open himself up to me again. There is so much water under the bridge now. Also, when I see that flash of anger in his eyes or he blames me for something that is clearly not my fault I question, even if he were to want to R, whether we would be able to build a relationship different from the first.
