LBS dealing with WW (part 6)

[joejoe1]

Joe,

I have been blown up in Iraq. Was Medavac off the battlefield. Watch people and vehicles shot up in Iraq. Shot at with PKMs and rockets in Afghanistan. Watch my friends vehicle get blown up in Afghanistan, I watch as they all stumbled out the MATV. Fall to the grown and we pulled security until the Medavac arrived. I watch how the little girls and women are treated by the men and the smelled the horrible smells coming from little girls that made heat paddies (which was made out of doo doo and dry grass). Which, the smells is really the only thing that haunts me today. I live normal life, considering. I have a Purple Heart and a Combat Action Badge.

My mother drown in Hurricane Katrina. And right after the Hurricane I didn't hear from anybody in my family for almost a week. And I didn't find out my mother had drawn until November 10th or so. I had to go to Baton to give a DNA sample, I did that in October of 2005. My mother's body rotted in our house for over 2 months in the New Orleans Humidity. We had to have a closed casket funeral. I cried for 3 months straight after her funeral and wouldn't believe she was dead because I never got to see her body, we were advised not to view it.

None of that has been as hard as piecing and learning to trust again. This Sh!t is harder than DBing. While DBing we are freeing ourselves, moving on, dumping the craziness, once we are on that path we start to gain clarity amd freedom. In piecing we are opening up our old wounds becoming vurnable again. It's not fun, and we see all the risk with opening ourselves up again to the person that wounded us, we see all that pain we just shook off us coming back and it scares the living hell out of us. It's not easy brother and it takes time, you have to be patient. Also, it took me a while to realize but your wife is not your healer, you are. Her job is to heal herself and work on the M. Your happiness and healing is not your W responsibility, ITS YOURS!!!!

I posted in the piecing tread most of the beginning of my journey of reconnecting. Please read it. This Sh!t is a roller coaster. One day last FEB, I was holding my baby boy, out of nowhere I just look at my wife and started crying, I handed her my son and I just turned around and ran out the house. It was freezing outside, I didn't have a jacket and had shorts on. I just kept running for like 30 or 40 mins. I did sprints and everything. What made me cry was, I looked at my son, and then looked at my W and I almost yelled out I can't do this, I want a Divorce. When I came back, my W can running to the door and said are you ok. I just sat down with her and explained my feelings and thoughts. She understood.

So, yes your feelings are normal and so are your actions. Dealing with reconnecting brings on PTSD like symthoms. You are fragile right now.

Keep posting and keep going forward

Time, time, time, let time do it's work.

Oh and my W just left a 1:30 A.M to console one of her friends, her 17 year old son was shot in the head and they are pulling the plug in the morning. This world is ruthless. He was a good kid, was joining the Army when he graduate. I was at the Texans and Colts game, what a horrible game played by Houston. Driving back to SA and get that news from wife. I pulled up, she went out. Our trust of each other have gotten better. I'm a Whodat boy thou!

Please pray for my W friend. Parents shouldn't have to bury their children!!!!!

Onward and upward/forward