I don't know if I will be able to get over the fact that she had a girls gone wild phase and is now supposedly over it. I have reason to believe that she had sex with more guys than she has told me about. Which is fine, I guess. It is not unlike dating someone new who I don't have any history with, except I do. I think she is lying a bit to save face. Yes, I looked at her phone. Gotta validate, right?
I don't know how to approach her about this without destroying all the work we've put into this so far. I mean, really? How do you tell the woman you love that... You LOVE her but don't trust her NOT to become a promiscuous piece of garbage again?
You know, we put so much into wanting to save our marriages that we come to a place like this. A place that literally has all of the tools and advice we'd ever need to save our own lives and POSSIBLY save our marriages after D... the second-most traumatic experience besides death that could strike us. We hope beyond hope for a chance to reconcile with the person who has left US in the dust. We pray that there was not an affair, yet 95% of the time they were screwing OP behind our backs.
Still we wait, and we DB, and we recreate ourselves into amazing people. Seriously, this site is FULL of the most amazing people that I have ever never met. We recreate ourselves, we stand up a lighthouse. We pray. We evolve and grow. We continue. We detach. We do fantastic things and overcome insurmountable obstacles.
We hear that yes, many waywards end up coming back to the spouse they betrayed. Maybe in 6 months, maybe in a year or two or three. Sometimes they are even willing to do the work to reconcile.
So here I am. In the situation I prayed to God for SO MANY TIMES. My XW has come back and repented. She is remorseful. She is subservient. In SO MANY ways, she is now the wife I always wanted during our marriage, but never got, because she tells me that she knows she was deficient so she is working to fix it. My freaking XW is doing 180's to please ME now... the person she chose to betray in the worst way possible.
She's done so much work already to try to regain my trust... seriously, she has done almost all of the things Sandi writes of when she describes how the LBS should approach a wayward who is returning. But I am so far from trusting my XW that I feel distant. And the more I become attached, the harder I want to push her away. What is wrong with me? Probably nothing but I don't feel like this is nothing.
I don't think I'm strong enough to do this. I think that this may not be worth the effort. I think I might be better off without her. I don't want to hurt her, and I don't want to hurt our kids.
I am almost close to being... Scared right now. Wow, is that normal? I've been deployed to war. I wore armor every day, carried guns, been in combat, and never ever got PTSD from it... and my freaking XW is scaring me? AGAIN???
This sht is bananas.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
