Do you have an outlet? Now is NOT the time to be making any pronouncements, judgments, decisions, anything.
Now is the time to hit the treadmill until you’re drenched in sweat. Punch a heavy bag until your fists bleed. Scream into a pillow. Anything.
I promise you it will suck and I promise you it will pass.
You’ll look back on the words you’ve written today and wonder who wrote them.
Ride it out, man. Show us how strong you are.
I really don’t have an outlet today, except for the written word. My back is bothering me, so I’m not exactly up for physical stuff.
But hitting the exercise bike until I can barely walk or doing push-ups until my arms feel like they will snap does sound good. I may cry into a pillow while W showers. I’d love to take a softball bat to a pillow—or maybe when the weather and my back cooperate go to a batting cage or driving range and hit the $hit out of some balls. There is a young-adult volleyball league in OC put on by the diocese that I really should sign up for—GAL, meet others, and let out some aggression / angst.
It [censored] now, will probably suck more at some points, but yes it will pass—ultimately. One of my favorite Catholic saint quote is from St. Teresa of Avila—“all things are passing away, only God endures.” What I tell my students is this: Yes, this means that the good things are passing away, and that is tough—but the good news is that the bad things are, too. So if you’re going through something really rough right now, it will pass—in His time, not ours.”
I’d rather make judgments, pronouncements, decisions whatever in the relative safe space of this forum—than bottling it up in front of her / the kids, or airing it out in front of her and verbally letting her have it. But right now, it’s where I’m at. It might just be me being 24 hours post-BD, my back hurting, and it being a rare cloudy / rainy day here in SoCal that have all conspired against me.
I’d love to look back on today’s words (and all this) in the space of a few years and realize that this was basically a bad dream. What troubles me is that I don’t know if I’ll have the luxury of looking back at this with her, and that’s what hurts. I know I probably haven’t sounded like it, but I do hope that we can look back on this and be stronger. I’m just afraid that that won’t be the case. (/cries)
I know I’m vacillating—love, not love, in love, not in love....but I just don’t know.
