Kiro - for someone whose first language is not english, you write exceedingly well. I live in England, and the clarity of your writing puts many of my English born colleagues to shame.
I understand what you are saying. Yes - it often feels like continuing to Db will only push him away further. But the hurt was huge and I am not quite there yet in terms of letting him in. I am not NC though or even going dark. It is a friendly detachment and from here, I hope that we can move towards friends again. I try and make each interaction as 'light' as I can. He cannot face the weight of our past yet. He is too hurt. But he no longer actively tries to avoid being with me. He no longer leaves the room when I enter or look down when I start talking. Baby steps.
My Db'g faltered at christmas. He had spent two days here (christmas eve through to boxing day) and it felt so so normal. Boxing day is his birthday and I got up early, tidied up what remained of the christmas mess and made him and the children a birthday breakfast. When he came down I gave him a hug (after the children) and wished him a happy birthday. This was the first hug since Oct when I found out about the dating (and threw myself at him). Without thinking I whispered "I love you". He pretended not to hear. Last year on his birthday I got him a Dyson hairdryer. We were in the midst of the BD and were not really speaking. I did not know what to get him. It was his 40th and I had planned on throwing him a party or booking a weekend away. I could not do any of that. All the presents seemed to sentimental and the only thing he had even mentioned liking was that [censored] hairdryer. Needless to say, it went down like a lead balloon. When I tried to explain I didn't know what he wanted, he yelled back "I told you that I wanted X". So this year, I researched and bought him X.
When he was leaving we shared another hug (at my request). The feeling of it being our last christmas was overwhelming and I told him so. He said he felt the same. I told him "It all seemed so unnecessary". He pulled away, I could see tears in his eyes and he said "I have to go and to try and try enjoy the day with the girls". He sent me a text later saying he wanted to say thank you for his birthday present, that it was very thoughtful and that I should not have spent so much money. He wished me a good day with the girls.
No need to apologise for hijacking. Your input (as always) is valued. But, I will respond on some of your observations on you and your wife on your thread as it might be more useful for you there.
