She cried, begged. Saying “what can I do...I’ll do anything “.
She'll do anything for what? To stay in the MBR??? Stay in the marriage?
You handled that conversation really well, DC421. She may try to blow up your phone this weekend, trying to temp check you. My advice is to not respond to her texts throughout the weekend. You asked her to stay somewhere else and give you space. So, this weekend she will probably be focused on you and wondering what you plan to do.
She must "work" to get you back, b/c of her waywardness. Her reaction to you moving her things out and asking her to stay away this weekend was a good start. At this point, the only thing you want to hear from her is that she has ended things with OM. Until she ends her A, you aren't interested in sharing a home, and especially sharing the marital bedroom. Therefore, should she ask you again what she needs to do, or if she says she is willing to do anything.......your response to her is, "End things with OM and have zero contact with him......and agree to be transparent to me".
Now she may promise to end the A, but don't get excited you see some type of evidence that she has ended contact. That means if she is willing for NC with OM, then she has to agree to be completely transparent and work with you to do what's necessary to heal the MR. All you need in the beginning is her commitment to end all contact with OM and agree to be transparent to you. Until you get that part of it........there's no point in trying to hash out the problems, or agree to whatever alternative she may propose. This is all you need to share with her, so don't let her pull you off into some relationship discussion or distract you by telling you all the things you will need to change, too. No, you discuss nothing until she commits to those two terms. She betrayed you. It wasn't the other way around. And these are not the only requirements you'll have, but it is the first step. Don't respond to anything else, just tell her one time, and don't text anymore. Saying it one time and not responding to anymore texts from her, will have a much more powerful punch, than if you go into this back & forth texting thing. You are not interested in anything she has to say until she says she'll end the A and be transparent. Okay?
You may be surprised to hear her reluctance transparency. more than ending her A. WW's are not keen on doing it. I've seen cases where they got really irate about it, accuse the H of controlling, etc. Bear in mind, she is still wayward. Just ending an A does not end her wayward mindset/behavior. Understand? That's why you have to require transparency from her. And, some LBH's will tell the WW that he'll be transparent, too. No! Don't do that! He's not the wayward party here. She is! She has to give an account of her actions, as long as the H feels it necessary. It's not her call. It's his! She has to atone (as Vanilla would say). Just to clarify about her still being wayward when she ends the A........it is the first step in getting herself out of the wayward mindset. It's the first step back for her. So, I just wanted you to understand it.
As extra (you knew I wouldn't end a post there^^^^^^^^), I want to explain why this first step is necessary.
One of the biggest mistakes the LBH makes is taking his WW back too easily. In other words, he doesn't require anything other than ending her A. If the WW won't agree to be transparent......I guarantee you that she isn't ending her contact with OM. Transparency helps her in giving an account, and it assists her in getting through the emotional withdrawals of the A and moving forward in healing the MR. Obviously, it helps the H in several ways. I strongly advise the LBH to have some type of method or system that shows him she is staying on the narrow road back to establishing an honest and trustworthy MR.
You can't trust a WW's word alone. She will need to make amends, and follow some method that backs up what she claims. I think her agreeing to give you access to her phone activity is a good method. But beware, cause she's likely to buy a burner phone and keep it hidden. The LBH has to have something that verifies her claim. We use to have a vet that would say, "Trust and verify". I say to just verify, until you feel safer in the relationship. Then you can occasionally verify (without her ever knowing what you are doing). You want to have a means where you can check out what she's doing, without her being aware of it. Why? B/c she is a manipulator, a liar, a cheater........you get the picture. Besides, she agreed to be transparent, so you are just checking to make sure she's not playing you.
Any questions?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
