Keeping the faith ... finding me (Part III)

[kiro]

I am trying. I did not learn these habits over night. I carry them over from childhood. Also, the hurt I felt was immense. I could function but it was like walking around in a dream - I was there but not there. Numb. I could feed and wash my children. I could go to work. But I was not really there. So, as emotional self preservation is my way of dealing with hurt, and this was a level of hurt I had not felt before, showing appreciation and gratitude for the little scraps he throws me at times is difficult. Not zoning out when he says something hurtful (though he prob. doesn't even realise it) is difficult. I have landed at a friendly but not emotionally invested interactions with him. I ask him about his day, but I don't pry. I am 'present' when he talks about the children. I say "have a great night/day" etc when he leaves. it is a balancing act (I am not sure where lovingly detached turns to pursuit).

FlySolo, as I said before my interactions with my W was very similar. The difference is that she is the one who left and I am the one who worked on myself more than her. So in a way, I think I understand both of you because I lived it during 17 years. And I did the work that needs to be done for someone who has (had) some similar flaws as your H.

But unlike you, I am more confident that I have changed and that I will be able to behave differently in a new relationship either with my W or with someone else. But this takes continuous work and I need to be aware of my behavior at all times. Like you said, I didn't learn my bad habits over night. I used to be angry, controlling, critical and uptight a lot of time. Like you, I think I knew on some level what I was doing, but I never stopped to think about the effect it could have on other people (my W). I never brought the light on what I was doing. I only focused on what she was doing wrong.

Also, my perception was (is) that I was nice and kind most of the time because I only considered the amount of time I was nice which was most of the day compared to the time I criticized or said something harsh which was maybe once or twice a day. I never realized that because of this 1 or 2 things I said every day that probably lasted not more than 1 or 2 minutes, she couldn't appreciate the remaining long hours of the day.

Her perception was completely different (like yours); she thinks I was mean and critical all the time and probably could have said the same as you "the little scraps he throws me at time".

I am not as good a DBer as you. I think DBing comes natural to your personality type, but is totally unnatural to mine because I am not good at keeping my emotions in check and detaching. And this is really key to what I am trying to communicate to you. Every case is unique. In many cases, detaching and giving space is right. But in your case, the problem during your marriage from his point of view was your detachment. Your 180 change must be showing more love, empathy, and emotion. What do you have to lose? He left already and you seem to be doing well anyway.

If I am reading his type of personality correctly, the most important thing for him is to feel understood and loved.

I am fortunate as there are others here who have to live (and continue standing) for spouses who have abandoned not just them, but the children.

I am one of those people. My W abandoned everything, including her family and kids. It's heartbreaking!

I think any type of pressure (from me or anyone else) would send him running for the hills. Plus, he spends so much time with the children he would not have time for a proper relationship and he is not one for casual relationships.

I'd like to challenge your assumptions. What makes you think that if you showed affection, he would run away? He doesn't seem to be that kind of person. He ran away because your lack of affection was killing him. His pride probably had enough of feeling that he was trying to give you love (in his perception he was) and that you were not reciprocating.

Your situation seems to be one that can be solved by the opposite of the detaching approach. Otherwise, you are setting up the stage for a long-term coparenting relationship only. He is like me: He is family man who values emotional bonding and long term commitment. He doesn't want a casual relationship. If you continue being detached and cold, he will end up attaching to someone else and will give her everything he has.

Personally, I would recommend showing him affection, listening to him with empathy, but setting boundaries to protect yourself if he continues to behave in a hurtful or angry way. I am not sure you appreciate enough what love can do to a man with this personality. He needs to see the prize he would get if he fixes himself. This is why it has to be a conditional love with boundaries.

At first I followed the rules (don't initiate contact and Yes, No or not response when they initiate), but I worried that for him this is more of the same. There is very little anger in our exchanges and our communication is friendly but not emotionally invested. He temp checks and overall I respond with "thanks", or "no probs". Will I ever share with him what I have learned about myself? I don't know. I think he would have to be open to listening to it and I don't think he is.

Why do you think he will not be open to it? If you decide to share it with him, I'd recommend sending it to him in writing in a letter or an email because he may not be ready to hearing it directly from you.

Anyway, Kiro - thank you for listening (reading). Even if he never hears any of this, I hope it helps you.

FlySolo, this is helping me of course in my Sitch. I wish my W could learn from you

I hope you will also continue writing on my thread from time to time.

And sorry if I hijacked your thread. I have a hard time expressing myself clearly in fewer words because English is not my first language