Feeling lost, scared and wanting to fix this. Pt 3

[Turbine]

I have been reading and thinking and after my coaching session I have more to think about and work on. So here is an update.

Coaching session went well. I was assigned to write an apology letter. First draft was not an apology letter according to my coach. So I had to rewrite it and we reviewed and refined it. I typed it up to make use of the grammar and spell check. That is done so now I will rewrite it by hand, slowly in script, so it will be personal and hopefully meaningful. Will she read it or respond? She doesn't have to and I am even including that in the letter at the end.

Confirmed meeting with both lawyers and Mahal on Wednesday. I have no idea how this will go or what will be said. Like I said I am no longer sure what I feel at times. Part of me wants this to end and part of me isn't willing to quit yet.

So this past Thursday I stopped after work to hit the gym. There was a prayer meeting that I attended before I got home. When I did, my W was eating her dinner. Sushi and rotisserie chicken. Yes, I know, not a very balanced meal. Not exactly a strong point in our house. Yet another item to be corrected with or without her. *sad* She offered me some when I was looking in the refrigerator for something to eat. I accepted and thanked her. I didn't sit down and eat with her because my phone coaching session was going to start in a few minutes. Was that a mistake? Beats me. I mean there are other times when she has left when I get ready to eat... I don't understand the rules anymore.

So I have new homework to do. I asked my coach about an extended period before the next session and she was okay with that. She even said she has noticed a change in my attitude. To be honest that feels good to here. Of course it could be she is saying that to encourage me to not stop trying. I don't know. I will take the position of it was an open and honest opinion. Got that encouragement from a second source so... maybe my ship is changing course. Still headed toward some shoals and a rocky shore but maybe I can get through this with just minor hull damage. Navy veteran... some analogies stick with me better than others.

So I haven't decided about returning the art and pictures to the places they hung or not. On the wall they don't take up space in the living room. Which again is getting filled up. Not happy about that. When it was my parent's stuff it was a problem but now that its her stuff it is okay because she filed for a D? I so want to call her on this. Why not? Am I afraid she will get angry at me? She is already wanting out and has filed for a D. What have I got to loose?

Had another training session at the gym. New aches but I did surprise my coach a little so that is a good thing.

My oldest has committed to getting back into shape. The other two are moving that direction as well. W has been hitting the gym before I was. So all of us are trying to get into better shape. It would be nice if W would open up the tiniest amount to see this. Maybe she has. If she has, from what I have read in the book and on the forums, there is a huge portion of skepticism on what she is seeing. Totally understandable.

My coach encouraged me to use certain words and phases and avoid others. Especially ones that are of a permanent nature. You know, words like : never, always. It hurt when w said Never getting back together. I feel I can survive without her. That I don't NEED to be married to her but i do WANT to be married to her. That is my position. I guess I haven't really changed that much then. Or is it? Riding in the middle of the hurricane seems nice and peaceful. Yeah... break the wall around the eye though...

Anyway I woke up with less than a PMA. Actually an NMA (negative mental attitude), complete with some dark thoughts. Doing a bit better now. Prayed, morning routine (brush teeth etc), wrote this post. So right now I'd say just above zero. Maybe some breakfast will help. Could be a blood sugar level being low.