In the words of TJT, time to be a MFS (in every sense of the term).
Here goes, and if you have questions or want to know more, please ask, and I’ll post updates or stuff that I probably forget.
My first mistake in all this was not insisting on separate rides. Go ahead and 2x4 me for that. W: “What, are you not going to come home with me tonight?”
Ugh. Should have done separate rides. Anyway, we get there, order food (counter-service), and she basically launches into it from the jump.
Says she wants a separation, and to do that, that means filing divorce (if I understood that correctly—we live in CA).
She then tells me that when we spoke back in October that when I told her “I’m not leaving these kids,” that that basically scared the $hit out of her—she basically thought that I would kidnap the kids or something like that. So, she decided to work up an agreement which is basically a parenting plan. She also knows that she’s changed a lot of her beliefs in the past couple of years, especially with respect to birth control (her getting the IUD).
In her mind, the kids would stay at our current place of residence, and then we rent an efficiency and basically trade off according to the schedule. Certain nights one is with the kids, the other is alone back at the other place. She handed me a paper copy and will email me a copy. I know I know—how long has that been in the works? She wants my input on this, and then we get the ball rolling on finding the other place (especially once Ms. Federal Employee starts drawing a paycheck again because of the shutdown), and then she will basically sue for divorce in time. She wants to keep the lawyers out of it as much as possible—so to do as much before hand before the official paperwork gets drawn up. She also wants me to cooperate and not draw this out.
She wants to keep OS in the current school district (and it’s a very good school district). I do believe that he is really happy there, and I agreed with her that it would be best if he is still there. YS will be going to a home daycare in our neighborhood starting Monday.
I tried validating as much as I could, and I also tried to put things off by saying ‘let me think about that.’ She called me out on my ‘therapy talk’ at one point. Lovely.
She asked me if I had any comments or anything that I’d like to add. I tried to channel R2C: It’s clear to me. I want us both to be happy, and that I thanked her for giving me the chance to find someone that I could truly be happy with.
She told me that when I start dating again that this woman would need to love the kids (of course—why wouldn’t I find someone like that)? She also told me that she isn’t sure she could be happier with anyone else (she brought up the fact that both of her parents didn’t remarry), but that she knows she isn’t happy with me. ( I know: LIES)
W asked me how this would impact my job. I played coy and asked her “How so?” W: Well, don’t you teach morality and ethics? (I do—in fact, start that this semester. Joy.) Me: I’m not the one who is choosing to get divorced.
She also talked about splitting accounts. I’ve long had checking / savings accounts with a local credit union (and she knows about them), so I can do that. She told me that she has our joint account, and an account with Bank of America that her dad has with her (long story, please don’t ask), and a credit union account. I played coy again and asked her “And the credit union? That’s it?” Because I do recall that she had a deposit from our joint account to open another checking account. I know—should have challenged her on that one.
She gave me the document, and I’ll review it—but I just don’t know about it. Luckily I’ll have the gift of time to review it. Should probably lawyer up, too, even though she wants to keep them out of it as much as possible. Why should I pay to support 2 residences? Why should I have to give up my current place half-time, especially when the utilities are in my name (electric and TV / internet)?
When we got back home, she asked me to put something of hers from dinner in the kitchen. I basically stepped back to let her do it. W: Or, okay, I can go do it. (I know, probably passive-aggressive on my part—but my thought was ‘wait you’re gonna fire me and you expect me to do things for you?’ I know, be civil and be a good person and all that.)
Now, the reflecting:
I put OS to bed earlier tonight. “Love you Daddy.” Not looking forward to giving that up half-time. And I’m heartbroken about YS—that it seems like the pregnancy with him split open the marriage (I know that probably wasn’t fully it, but it played a part I’m sure).
I felt like, for the most part, I projected relative strength, despite the taking-one-car-thing. I let her do most of the talking, validated where I could as best as I could, even though she didn’t like the non-answers. When she wanted comments from me about how I’m feeling, I basically kept talking about how I’m grateful for the chance to find someone that I can be happy with. I did not go straight from the classic LBS script of begging, pleading, crying, using logic, etc. None of that, at least. One thing I did see on the forums last night was looking into her eyes and thinking “I love you”—not sure if that was from the quotes by R2C, or in the Success Stories page. I did try that starting last night at bed, and tried it again at points during dinner / BD.
I held it together, and didn’t cry, even though at times my heart and stomach felt like they were gonna jump through my throat. When we got back, MIL was bathing YS. I bathed OS, and put him to bed. Like I said, held it together.
But now I’m just like God Damn You for doing this to these kids. And I feel like a failure for marrying her—that I could have done better. And that I want to (and will) do better down the road. I know that, but I have to work on me in some respects, and I just want to serve these kids. Put them to bed, do YS’ bottles, as much as I can because now I feel like those things are on countdown. God I love them so much and I hate this part.
I also have to wonder why she wants to speed this through. OM? (In the end, I shouldn’t analyze that, but I can’t help but think...)
I know I’m only a few hours post-BD, but I wonder how much fight I have for this marriage, tbh. It’s pretty clear she wants out, and I’ve tried DB’ing as much as I could. But I also don’t want to screw up these kids so much. Why should they have to suffer through this because of her feelz?
I do want to thank everyone for their feedback / advice / prayers so far. I may not have handled this as well as I could have or should have, but I also know that probably without this, I’m sure I would have done far, far worse (and probably would have totally done the whole LBS script to a tee).
I also know that if it comes to it down the road, I would hope to get an annulment. I’m only 35 (will be 36 in the spring), and I know I have much to offer someone down the road, I’m sure. Young-ish, decent-looking despite the thinning blonde hair up top, good with kids, raising 2 beautiful, well-mannered kids, a relatively stable job where I’m also good with kids? Yeah.....
Comments / prayers welcome. Thank you all! (((Hugs)))
