I know it's been a long time since my last post, but I've been meaning to come by and give everyone an update. A lot has happened since October of 2017!
First, D11 (wow how time flies!) is doing excellent. She started 6th grade this year and I'd been worried that the D combined with the stress of middle school would be a burden for her. However, it's been exactly the opposite. D11 is doing well w/ her grades, her friends, and seems to be a happy, albeit sometimes moody, pre-teen! This spring, D11 and I did a weeklong trip down the coast of California, with a stopover in Yosemite, and had an absolute blast! It was a perfect follow up to our 2016 trip across Utah. I think we've solidifed the fact that we need an annual adventure together. Toss in our beach trip, continued Pokemon hunting, hiking, camping, and other adventures and I think we are rocking the Dad/Daughter stuff during our 50% of the time together.
W (now XW) continued to not follow through w/ the S agreement, but I was finally able to get her to sign it in July 2018. After that, it took until October 2018 to get her to acknowledge and sign the D documents. XW remains angry and will only speak to me if she needs something or she is forced to. She continues to try to be an intermediary and interpreter between D11 and me. XW still has D11 sleeping every evening in the bed with her. It's almost like XW is stuck in neutral and can't get unstuck. I continue to maintain my boundaries and address XW when she attacks them. It used to be exhausting and saddening, but it's more just a minor nuisance nowadays. It's amazing how different things are now, even though XW hasn't changed. Getting out of the In House S, while it was the last thing I wanted at the time, was a godsend.
As for me, while I was still in the house w/ XW, I don't think i realized just how much of a toll the stress and constant attacks by XW were taking on me. Being outside of the situation now, I can tell that there was a long, long period of time where I hadn't fully been myself. It's almost like I'd been living a life driven by the whims of XW's anxiety. I hadn't realized at the time just how abnormal it was, but now I can see the dysfunction fairly clearly. While I'm still sad that my M wasn't salvagable, I'm extremely thankful for the lessons I was taught and the improvements that came from me living through all of this. My relationship with my D11 has never been better. My relationships with family and friends that hadn't been nurtured as much as they should have been are awesome and only getting better.
I feel like such a stronger and better human being for having stood in the face of something so awful and making it to the other side. It never would have happened without a ton of introspection, pain, honesty on my flaws, hard work on fixing the only thing I could control (myself), and aid from everyone of you here. I am so very grateful for each and every one of you and all of the support you gave me over the course of the previous couple years. Without ya'll, I'm not sure I'd of made it to a healthy place as easily as I did. I can completely see how easy it would have been to get stuck, just like XW.
With all that said, I'm actually grateful I went through this because, honestly, I couldn't be happier now. My relationship with D11 is where I want it, I've got myself where I want to be as a person, and I've actually been dating the most amazing woman for just over a year now. It's interesting to see how different a healthy relationship is than the one I had been in for so long.
This woman (I'll call her K) is the most amazing person I've ever come across. She's caring, understanding, supportive, hilarious, intelligent, fun, gorgeous and an absolutely perfect fit for me. I feel like I'm the same for her, and really, I've got what I've been through to thank for it. No way I'd be such a strong person for K or my D11 without having done the hard work to fix myself and get through my D.
After the D was finalized in October, K and I made the decision that the time was right to introduce her to D11. I was worried that it would be a difficult and tough process to get through. D11 even seemed super apprehensive when K knocked on the door after I'd told D11 they were going to meet. That apprehension lasted all of 10 minutes and ever since then D11 and K have become good friends and we've done a ton of stuff together, including a weekend getaway to a cabin together that will go down as one of my favorite memories! D11 now asks for K to come over and go out to do stuff with us. Hence my comment earlier that I couldn't be happier!
What I've realized from all of this is that it's really not as complicated as I thought while I was living through it. Here are the key realizations I've had after looking back on things:
1) In House S was brutal. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It messes with your sense of self as well as your sanity, stress levels, and overall well being. I now know what everyone means when they say the odds are super long if you choose this path. However, I realize now that In House S didn't save my M, but it probably did save me. It took me to some bad places, but fighting my way out of them has taken me to better places than I've ever been. It's got to be the extreme challenge of surviving the situation that puts you in such an awesome place when you claw your way out. With that said, my goal is to never have to do that ever again.
2) Like everyone says, you cannot control anyone but yourself. Don't try to control the path of your M, S, or D. Don't try to change/control what your spouse does. Take a deep, long look at yourself, identify what your faults were in the M, and determine a plan of action to address them and fix them.
3) Let your spouse take their own path. Choose your path and follow that one. Do things that make you feel good to be yourself. Hang out with friends, make new friends, try new activities, pursue your passions, and get back a sense of self identity. Perhaps your path comes back to a crossroads w/ your spouse and perhaps it does not. Don't wait for it. Push forward with life and be ok with being on your own. Be in a position that if your paths do cross again, you can figure out if a) it's healthy to get back in the relationship and b) if you even have a desire to be in the relationship anymore.
4) Know your boundaries and vigorously fight to sustain them. Do not let your boundaries be rolled over, because they are what defines your principles. Without principles, how can you possibly have a sense of self. Define yourself and don't let someone else define it for you.
5) Know that no matter how horrible things get, they will get better. How much better depends on how hard you are willing to work on yourself. You really need to be willing to dig deep and take an honest look at yourself. It can really suck when you realize what your flaws/weaknesses may be, but getting an understanding of exactly what needs work is key. Only once you know can you really begin to work to improve. Once you begin the work you will become exponentially better and stronger. Bust your as$ to become the person you want to be. It's worth it.
6) Know that you are not alone. There's power and comfort in that knowledge. You are not a unique snowflake. Know that your experience is being shared by a multitude of other folks all over the world. It's both sad and freeing at the same time. But with it comes community. Hence this place. There are so many people here and elsewhere that are willing to support you. Be open to taking that support and realizing that, again, you are not alone. It's amazing how quickly complete strangers can become your true and lasting friends.
To everyone going through this, hang in there. I know you will make it. Everyone here who's been through it knows you will make it. Keep pressing forward, but make sure you are doing it for yourself. I truly hope you can save your M and I, from the bottom of my soul, admire you for choosing the infinitely harder path and not giving up. Know that the odds are long and the path is difficult and most likely you will fail.
But also know that you will not be defined by the failure or success of your efforts to save your M. You will be defined by the journey. Make that journey one of self improvement, honor, and integrity and you will be a much better person for it.
Hang in there and keep fighting the good fight!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
