I went to exercise yesterday evening after trying to shoot another beautiful sunset. During the exercise session, I got a Happy new year text from WW. I responded about three hours later telling her "you too thanks!". That's it. No birthday wishes, no calls, nothing. After that, my mind began to wander and my reflection on the sitch and how it is going to play out this year began to snowball into anxiety-causing thoughts. Divorce ran rampant. Finding more truths about WW and OM (still not detached) was also another thought. It made for a very stressful and sad evening. But I somehow fell asleep.
I woke up in a panic following dreams of me having sex with WW. During the dream, I knew that the sex was too good to be true and I just wished for the fantasy to be over so that I can get along with my life again. Sure enough, I did.
More anxious thoughts, more snowballing, and then I got thoughts of WW coming back with an engagement ring on her finger. So internally I was an anxious wreck. I was able to do my job though and got wrapped up in a project that kept my mind occupied for most of the day. During my lunch, WW called. I did not answer because I was working. She texted me five minutes later asking me to call when I can. I called a few minutes later. She tried to idly chat about her week (just had an easy night in pajamas for her birthday...right) and told me how she is older and whatnot. I am 96% sure that she was trying to coax a "Happy Birthday" out of me.
Never happened.
She then asked me how mine was. I said it was fun and then asked what's up? She wanted to talk about why I broke down Sunday when I was talking to D4. I told her I was fine and that I was just having a rough evening. I then talked to D4 for a few more minutes before hanging up the call.
Kept myself busy throughout the afternoon and went home. I checked the mail, and her ER bill came in...and it is significant. And it is going to be her problem to solve. I need to prepare my speech now. Because I know come Friday morning I am going to get a flurry of calls and texts asking me how we're going to resolve this. I plan on saying that the bill is her responsibility to figure out. Any other thoughts on how I should proceed with this impending talk?
I’ve been up for almost three hours now. No anxiety. Just up. I’m trying to get back to sleep but that is proving to be difficult. Maybe it’s time I buy a real bed?
The ER bill may wait until Sunday. That gives some more time to get some feedback and prepare.
Taken from burned's thread, but it applies to me too:
Originally Posted by Vapo
Trying to hook up with other people while you are still collecting pieces of yourself off the floor is a very bad idea. I know it sounds appealing, but it is WRONG. You cannot attract quality people in your life when you are in the state you are in. Broken attracts broken.
As for casual sex thingy. Really? You'd mess with women so you could bed them? What, like go on revenge binge? Bed 'em al, married or not, just jump at any one showing a slight hint of interest?
You guys are REALLY broken... And you do not even realize it.
I remember having a meltdown a while ago in which I expressed THE EXACT SAME FEELINGS. Though the 2x4s I got were not quite as hard as this one, it did make me reconsider and allowed me to pull back.
That being said, Vapo nails it. Especially at the last part. I'm still piecing myself, but I am for the most part, still broken.
I'm getting a better understanding of why I needed to be broken.
pain18 needed to be broken and torn down. Phoenix9 is the cleaning up the rubble and rebuilding. Both are based on the same foundation (warmth, morals, humor, caring, etc.).
Except the rebuild comes with the knowledge of NOT cutting corners, inferior materials (bad advice, etc.), or occupying it too quickly.
I am working hard on the cutting corners part since that was a very bad habit of mine. So far, so good but there are days in which I still catch myself doing so.
I am getting the advice I need from good sources and applying them in my life.
I still am trying to rush things though or looking for ways to "validate" myself (casual dating and sex...nothing has happened so far). There are other ways to get validation but I should not care. I need to validate myself. Others can do what they want. If they like me, great. If not, their loss. This existing thought process all falls under my NGS and I am happy that I can at least recognize it.
It's way easier to give up and give in to what's comfortable for us. The problem is when that normalcy involves the factors that brought us to the place where we found ourselves to be broken.
180s can involve lots of determination, depending on what they are. Sometimes they are simple, like dressing better or cleaning up more. But sometimes they are complex, like learning constructive ways to deal with anger.
It's so easy to take the position that an old dog can't learn new tricks, and the world should love me just the way I am.
Sometimes the way we are is the reason for the treason. It's often hard to accept deep flaws, make meaningful changes, and move on. Some people give up and give in, because changing was too hard.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
I have been following along and can so relate to the feelings you are having as they are much like my own. I, too, have thought about trying to rush the process by distracting myself through casual dating. These are really just fleeting thoughts though... I know that if I did, it would only add more complexities to my already complex situation. I also know, beyond a doubt, that I am nowhere near ready to go down that road and that it would be quite unfair to do so. I think most people are looking for a partner and the ones who aren’t, are likely in similar situations with unresolved issues of one sort or another. I would not want to hurt any of the partner-seeking people and honestly, would not want to be involved with the unresolved issues people. So as much as it would be a welcome distraction to seek out validation through the attentions of someone else, I think it would only lead to more heartache in the end (for me or someone else) and it would get in the way of me evolving into the person I want to be. So for now... I focus on that and on spending as much quality time with my kids as I possibly can.
I know how hard this is. Betrayal and rejection at this level is life-altering and a HUGE blow to one’s sense of self. It is a raw kind of pain that I have not felt before and I don’t want to feel again. But I know that I need to feel it and I need to go through it to become a better, more self-aware person and there is no short cut to getting there. What worries me about your post is your statement about casual sex and needing to validate yourself. I don’t know if you meant it the way it sounded but to me, it sounded as if your answer to this is to become as selfish and hardhearted as it appears your WW has become. Is that the person you want to be? Do you see things going well for that person? I guarantee you that when you have healed, properly healed, and become AMOAFWL, there will be a GREAT life waiting for you and someone to love who will be worthy of that person. (((HUGS)))
Thanks DV . I thought about about "Phoen1x9" but that does not look as...grownup. I wanted "Phoenix19" but...darn that character limit!
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I have been following along and can so relate to the feelings you are having as they are much like my own. I, too, have thought about trying to rush the process by distracting myself through casual dating. These are really just fleeting thoughts though... I know that if I did, it would only add more complexities to my already complex situation. I also know, beyond a doubt, that I am nowhere near ready to go down that road and that it would be quite unfair to do so. I think most people are looking for a partner and the ones who aren’t, are likely in similar situations with unresolved issues of one sort or another. I would not want to hurt any of the partner-seeking people and honestly, would not want to be involved with the unresolved issues people. So as much as it would be a welcome distraction to seek out validation through the attentions of someone else, I think it would only lead to more heartache in the end (for me or someone else) and it would get in the way of me evolving into the person I want to be. So for now... I focus on that and on spending as much quality time with my kids as I possibly can.
I need to continue reminding myself that I am not ready for anything regarding R, whether it's with WW or someone else. The emotions and behavior behind my posts does not reflect someone who is ready to engage in any sort of relationship other than friendship. I don't feel ready because I am still not detached from WW.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I know how hard this is. Betrayal and rejection at this level is life-altering and a HUGE blow to one’s sense of self. It is a raw kind of pain that I have not felt before and I don’t want to feel again. But I know that I need to feel it and I need to go through it to become a better, more self-aware person and there is no short cut to getting there. What worries me about your post is your statement about casual sex and needing to validate yourself. I don’t know if you meant it the way it sounded but to me, it sounded as if your answer to this is to become as selfish and hardhearted as it appears your WW has become. Is that the person you want to be? Do you see things going well for that person? I guarantee you that when you have healed, properly healed, and become AMOAFWL, there will be a GREAT life waiting for you and someone to love who will be worthy of that person. (((HUGS)))
DV, I don't know if you've read my sitch from start to finish, but one of the things that I am so insecure about is my lack of success when it comes to dating. My WW was my first GF, first sexual encounter, first moving in together, and so on. It took me 17 years (from late elementary school to well after college). I have had to endure a lot of rejection, multiple therapists, as well as having a verbal fight with my father (Xmas 2005-Dad told me no one wanted to date me because I was too fat) to get to that point.
And to have it gone and come to grips that I would have to embark on the courtship journey again is...extremely demoralizing. I get the fact that I don't "need" anyone in my life to complete me. I know I am a lot more experienced than I was before I met my WW, so I would not have to wait another 17 years (hopefully). But I would be lying if I said I miss the affection.
I know it sounds dumb of me to say, but I just have moments where I want to be held, cuddled, and loved. Not as a father or son or friend, but as two people who can share an intimate moment, even if it's brief. There was talk of finding a professional, but I don't want to go down that road. It's fake. It's expensive, and it is risky.
I really do hope for another chance at love. And I hope that when I do, it goes better and farther than the first time around.
I am beyond exhausted. Second night in row in which I could not sleep. Lots of tossing and turning. Lots of reflection. I ended up going on a drive to see if I can tire myself out. It did. I got about 2 hours.
It seems more and more that WW is temp checking me a lot more. I have been becoming increasingly distant and only trying to talk to her about business. It's hard and I need to remind myself to stop the conversation if it strays. I know there is going to be a conversation of why I ignored her on her birthday and other things. She is really trying to "help" me, but I have it beaten in my mind that it's just all one temp check after the other. There is always an assumption on my end that she is throwing crumbs. I do not see any sincerity on her end...at least not yet. And I am not expecting it. She may think that what I am doing may just be another manipulation tactic to convince her to come back to the MR. It's not. I am getting more used to the idea that ANYTHING can happen. I just know that I can only control me.
Anxiety is better controlled today. I have not seen her yet, but I will tonight. I hope that the D4 dropoff is uneventful. As ridiculous as it may sound, I am still afraid that when I see WW I will see an engagement ring on her finger. I know that a very small percentage of relationships based on an affair succeed. But...it seems like a lot of things that had a "small chance of occurring" are occurring. I really hope this is not one of them.
I still want her back. I still hope for her back. I still don't want a divorce.
. I thought about about "Phoen1x9" but that does not look as...grownup. I wanted "Phoenix19" but...darn that character limit!