Sokaku, my heart goes out to you. In general terms, I am in a similar situation and this is the most tortuous, most painful emotional place I have ever been in. I can only share the ways I try to cope with being in this place.
(1) Interior Life. I have returned to the beliefs and practices of the interior life I had long ignored. If you have such a life, whether or not orthodox (i.e. conforming to a formal, organized system of beliefs), you may want to visit or revisit it. I can honestly say this is the only thing that has kept me alive. (Yes, I mean this literally.)
(2) Humble Responsibility. I accept responsibility for my failures and mistakes as a parent and spouse, but I also recognize these are not any more egregious than the next person's. No physical or emotional abuse; no drug or gambling habits; no extramarital betrayals. Just plain vanilla conflicts typifying any long-term, intimate relationship.
(3) Compassionate Awareness. Whatever my mistakes in (2), I also recognize Walking Away is NEVER emotionally mature behavior. It took several months, but my W eventually acknowledged she walked away in panic. Whatever emotional reality she was in at the time (e.g. her fear I was going to hurt her), she now realizes it was not based on reality. But it was for her to come to this realization; I neither pushed it nor did I try to make her feel bad about it.
(4) Love at a Distance. This is hardest of all, made possible for me only through (1). Given my understanding of the scale of my mistakes in (2) and the realities of amygdala hijack in (3), I recognize my W has to work out for herself if she wants to save the marriage. I've made it clear that while I accept partial responsibility for the state of M, responsibility for ending M (if it comes to this) is solely hers. So I am in a constant mode of struggle to find the patience, discipline, and trust to leave her free in her journey of self-discovery.
