I am beyond exhausted. Second night in row in which I could not sleep. Lots of tossing and turning. Lots of reflection. I ended up going on a drive to see if I can tire myself out. It did. I got about 2 hours.
It seems more and more that WW is temp checking me a lot more. I have been becoming increasingly distant and only trying to talk to her about business. It's hard and I need to remind myself to stop the conversation if it strays. I know there is going to be a conversation of why I ignored her on her birthday and other things. She is really trying to "help" me, but I have it beaten in my mind that it's just all one temp check after the other. There is always an assumption on my end that she is throwing crumbs. I do not see any sincerity on her end...at least not yet. And I am not expecting it. She may think that what I am doing may just be another manipulation tactic to convince her to come back to the MR. It's not. I am getting more used to the idea that ANYTHING can happen. I just know that I can only control me.
Anxiety is better controlled today. I have not seen her yet, but I will tonight. I hope that the D4 dropoff is uneventful. As ridiculous as it may sound, I am still afraid that when I see WW I will see an engagement ring on her finger. I know that a very small percentage of relationships based on an affair succeed. But...it seems like a lot of things that had a "small chance of occurring" are occurring. I really hope this is not one of them.
I still want her back. I still hope for her back. I still don't want a divorce.
