LBS dealing with WW (part 6)

[joejoe1]

Joe,



I did alot of research on will a person that has committed affair do it again, watched a lot of videos also. I researched for months. After countless hours spent on trying to get that question answered, I realized the truth is nobody has an answer. Human beings are just to unpredictable. There are alot of studies trying to predict peoples actions by using their prior actions. There are many articles showing cheaters will always be cheaters there all also many articles showing how affairs strengthen marriages , especially if both individuals are willing to put in the hardwork to create the proper boundaries and respect each other.

You are going to have to be patient. It took me almost a year to stop asking questions and questioning my wife about her actions during the A. We starting piecing at the end of OCT, I think one of my last questioning sessions came in June of the next year. I got the same answers from my wife every session and I never felt any better after those sessions and always left those sessions trying to think of more questions to ask. Those sessions never helped after the first few questioning session, they just ruined the mood and left darkest filled days.

As I read your post, I realize you are trying to make it your job to teach your XW a lesson on what her actions has caused. It's not your job to teach your wife a lesson. You probably feel like your W hasn't learned her lesson and she needs to feel what it feels like to hurt a person, the way she hurt you. She just don't get what you are going thru. Seems to me she understand the damage she has caused. She will never feel the pain you felt the way you felt it because she is not you. She is dealing with her own pain and she has to do her own healing to do. You have to let the healing and time do it's work. You like me are so worried about her hurting you again, that you are trying to get to a 100% answer letting you know it will never happen again, there's no answer for us in that regards my friend.

We don't know the future, the only thing we can do is work on ourselves and set no expectations of what a M should look like. Marriages are ever evolving. Stop trying to teach your W. Stop trying to control your W. Stop trying to get her to give you an answer she will never be able to give. The only thing you can go off is her actions. If her actions are showing you that she is in it to work on the M, give her space to do so. A person can only be guilted for so long. You are less than a month it and you are looking for some sort of perfection. There is no perfection. My W and I had a fight two nights ago about disciplining our boys, she was right and I was wrong, before the A, I would yell, scream, storm off, not listen, tell her she was wrong, but the difference now, is my W is patient a we are both aware of our communication problems. I mentioned that because, we still run into issues, I still get angry on days, or feel down. Some days I still think to myself, WTF.

I have also found myself thinking about what if I had an A, would my W stay with me. She has told me she would, but who knows. I have found myself also having intimate conversations with women I work with, and I have to pull back. I'm telling you this, just to let you know, that we will continue to deal with some of the same problems, now we are just more aware.

Something your W shouldn't be doing is having any contact for any reason with the OM. She has no reason to be helping him out, there's other people that can help him out. I had my W send a no contact/last contact/have a happy life letter to the OM. She wrote it, I proofread it, change some words around and watched as she pressed send.

I would also found a counselor, and counselor that deals with A ASAP to help you all work thru the problems are building a new and solid foundation.

Onward and Forward