New Member, Familiar Story

[Sokaku]

Hi Sokaku, I'm glad you found the DB board, but sorry for your situation. How long have you been married?

Hi Sandi, thank you for responses. I'll try to add detail here.
We have been together 22 years, married 12.

I knew my personal life had been out of balance for some time. I had worked a helluva lot on building up my business and when not doing that renovating the house we purchased 8 years ago.

Is your W employed full time?

No, she finished full time work about 4 years ago. She has been working on writing & art but they are both things she does by herself & I think she misses the camaraderie of a workplace environment. I think there's also very little sense of achievement as the work she has done since leaving the full time job hasn't been very, um completed?

I came home to find a letter from W(44) stating she wasn't happy, hasn't been for 5 years, wasn't attracted to me anymore and asking for a separation - Thing is I didn't have much choice in the situation as she had walked out that day leaving behind the letter and her wedding bands. I was completely blindsided and devastated.

Why do you think she did not discuss this with you, before she moved out? Was she afraid to tell you face to face?
Yes, apparently so. She has issues with any form of conflict. I believe it's related to her Father...

Do you have anger issues; make her feel bad about herself; or treat her badly in some manner?
No Anger issues, door slamming, yelling - Zip. I have a analytical nature which may at times come across as critical, but have always loved, encouraged, emotionally supported & respected her.

I wrote W a letter that first week acknowledging her feelings, apologizing and owning up to my shortcomings in our relationship. At first she was grateful but then became angry with the letter saying if I knew of the shortcomings why didn't I do more about it then. (I'm thinking due to Complacency & not recognizing how bad things were.) I asked her to consider giving us a second chance but did not beg or threaten etc..

Okay, I think that indicates you are not too prideful to admit your shortcomings, and ask her to reconsider. Now that you have apologized and asked her for another chance.....I suggest you not do it again. Once is enough, unless there is more to your story.

Heard, thank you. TBH there's not much more to say to her on that front at this point. I acknowledged mt shortcomings, didn't blame or make excuses, and relayed my disappointment that neither of us made the effort to seek counseling when things were (apparently so) bad.

W left 2 weeks before we were booked to go on a Long Haul trip to my homeland to celebrate my 50th birthday with family & friends.

How long since she had visited her homeland? Previous to moving out, had she shown excitement about the trip?
Our homelands are on opposite side of the planet. 11 hour flight to hers, 13 hours to mine. We kind of live in between the two. We visit each others homelands at least once a year together & at least once a year independently. She was last in her homeland 6 weeks before leaving.

When you told her you rather she not join you on the trip, did she appear disappointed.....or could you determine?
I'd say relieved. She wouldn't want to face my friends & family with them knowing how she had left. That being said, some of our friends still don't know of the split.

I had asked a couple of times if there was OM & she has said no. I don't see any signs indicating she is lying but I'm open minded enough to understand there may be (or have been) someone else.

How would describe the W you've had the past five or less years?
Strong willed - No
a sense of entitlement - Yes
over-bearing - No
bossy - Not really
moody - Yes
self efficient - Not really
sweet - At times
affectionate - At times
selfless - At times
Co-dependent - IDK

Probably best description is a bit of a lost soul TBH.

Notice any changes in her the past few months? - Nothing major
Have you noticed changes to her personal appearance? - No but she has gained a little weight which she hates & commented a few months ago she wants to keep out of the sun as her skin seems to be aging...
She also has a lot of trouble sleeping.
New hair color/style, dressing younger, losing weight and working out, looking sexier? - No

Have you noticed her being extra guarded with her phone? Laying it face down? Taking it to the bathroom, sleeping with it, etc.? Any new friends lately?
She has been addicted to social media for a few years now. Has been kind of secretive with her phone but not to the point of hiding entering her password. I could see that anytime and she never changed it. I didn't snoop her phone.
She may have been having an A or EA but she may have also just not wanted me to see conversations with her GF's complaining about me? Who knows..

How has your sex life been the past couple of years....or more? Any changes from what you would say is your normal pattern with intimacy?
Sex life hasn't been great for a while. She would hardly ever initiate and when she did it was normally alcohol fueled which is a major turn off for me if I haven't been drinking too. Unfortunately I fell into the trap of Always being the person driving to events so I would not be drinking and she would. Arguments were a lot more prevalent during alcohol consumption but no yelling etc.

I don't think you need to quiz her about an affair or OM again. Some women will admit an affair, but it's been my experience on the board to see more W's who won't admit it.......even when evidence is staring them in the face. So, let me ask you, is infidelity a deal breaker for you?
I'm not going to ask again. I actually just sort clarification once. (on a side note, I have never had any A)
It's not a deal breaker which is why I am still trying to work things out. Reading the stories here it seems like a 95%- to 5% chance she was having an A but just kept it well hidden? I mean Occams Razor loosely says the simplest or most obvious will be true vs a complex theory.