13 years and 2 kids pt. 4.

[Hurt213]

Updating:

Thanks so much for the comforting words, B! I do find peace in your words, and I know that everything will be good again.

I also know now, 6 months in, a lot more than I did when I started this journey, that I didn't buy a ticket for. I am a lot wiser on how to act, how to react and how to find light in the darkness..

The fact is as follows: for all you newbies that are following, that is just beginning - this is a marathon. And I have just scratched the surface. My wife is so deep with OM, that she is now spending a week at a time at his place. Do this bother me? Of course it does. I would be lying if I said no. The fact is, she and I never married (does she resent me for having my kids and I didn't present her with a ring in return? - maybe she does, maybe that was a factor) Was I sick? (chronic inflammatory disease and followed up by depression - yep I was and that was really hard for her because I was not pleasant company, and took her for granted). Did she decide to pursue another man and start an affair with a coworker only 2 months after having returned to work from parental leave for our baby son, and leave me 6 weeks later, giving no fks about 12 years of relationship? (yes she did, and that is all on her to start an affair and I will take no blame in that). Funny thing is that this guy and her started the thing at a summer party on the last day before he went to a new job (probably easier not working together), however the new job wasn't for him, and he just now started working back at her work again, so now they are going to be together 24/7, good luck if that doesn't pan out.

There are a lot of things, that I would do differently if I had the chance to turn back time. Fact is, I didn't choose to become sick, I didn't choose the depression that came in the wake of me not being able to fulfill the dreams I had for my future and the jobs I had imagined. I had to settle, and that was never processed.

I am a completely changed man today, because of what she did 6 months ago. I am struggling with NGS, I am struggling with low self worth because of what happened, however I have addressed my depression hands on with IC. I have admitted to my faults and have reached out for help. I have cried, I have screamed, I have been up and I have been down. Today I am taking care of my S1 and D4 7 days a week without anyone "helping", a year a go, I would come home from work, and go to bed because I was mentally and physically drained. Today my doctors tells me, that my inflammatory numbers are on same values as a person with no sickness - they can't explain but I do myself believe it has something to do with my mental wellbeing. I am a happier man, I addressed the depression, I started eating healthy. I forced myself to eat "normally" because I had no appetite. It was a struggle. I started going to the gym, I started seeing people (I don't really find the pleasure in that yet, and I need to pull myself up by the shirt whenever I GAL with friends, as its easy for me to slip back into old pattern of just isolating me - but I will GAL, I will see my friends and I will enjoy it in time - already am starting to a little.)

Where does all this put me?

I am down this week. I can't understand her thought process - its hard for me to grasp how a person can up and leave her family of 2 little children and life partner like this, and just be genuinely happy with OM. She was listening to a song the other day with a text that went like "I want to love my future man", and she was dancing around and sang along, I went for a walk, that was too much. The disrespect (maybe it isn't? of course it is, who am I kidding (NGS), of her trying to just be friendly to me when she is home, talk like we never split and everything is dandy, is really hard on me) I know she broke it off, and we didn't have the marital commitment, but still, we had 12 years.

I am better today, 6 months in. I know, this is where I go to vent. I know now, after having screwed up, that I need to show her upbeat, content and happy me. I know that I need to listen, validate and STFU.

Will she come back? I don't know, I don't think I want her too, but some part of me does. Am I moving on? certainly, but there are high and lows as you know, and this is why I write here, to get advice, to calm myself and its basically therapy.

I pulled the plug on the IHS 1.1.19, and I am not in the house when she has the kids. We facetime and I turn up once or twice during the week to take them to sports, eat with them and tug them in (I will be leaving saturday).

I asked her yesterday before she left (this agreement started yesterday because of the weird holiday schedule we have been having), if she would please confirm for me, that she in fact too, will be staying elsewhere when I have the kids, because else this is not going to work out. Her vague response was while smiling "yes Hurt, for now I will be out of the house" <-- I interpreted (Stay out of her head you dumb fool), it like "Yes Hurt, things are great with OM, and for now I can stay at his place for a week at a time, and everything is dandy. However should it take a turn for the worse, then I will be right back"

So yea, just my thought process. It might seem like a downer post, but I am actually coping, realizing what I need to work on, and realizing how I am a entirely different person than I was 6 months ago. I am really enjoying who I am becoming again, and I know things will get easier, and karma will have its ways with both of us. I know forgiving is caring, but I am not yet ready to forgive, however some part of me still cares a lot. Stupid brain.

/hurt..