Lots of things to think about Joe. Is this your XW’s only affair or have there been others? I have to admit, when I read your post, my first thought was that your fears and insecurities are more about you than they are about her. What is it they say about trust? You can lose it in an instant but it can take a lifetime to earn it back?

I think I wrote about it before on my thread but my first H had an affair with a mutual friend. I don’t think it had gotten to be physical but if it didn’t, it was close. I discovered it by accident because I called my answering machine when I was away for a weekend and played back the messages and she had left a message for him that was way too friendly. Now my sitch was different because the A ended the day I found out about it but I remember clearly thinking at the time that I had a choice to make. I would either have to end my marriage or stay with my H, figure out what needed to be fixed in our MR and find a way to trust him again. I ended up choosing the latter and I remember having to consciously choose every day to trust him because I knew that neither of us would thrive in a marriage where he was constantly having to answer questions about his whereabouts and I was constantly wondering what he was up to. It was difficult at first but it got a lot easier as time went on and I made him promise me that if he ever felt the need to stray again, he would respect me enough to end our marriage first because that is essentially what would happen anyway. I remember actually being grateful for his A because it brought us closer together and I am confident he never cheated on me again. Our marriage ended two years later but it was the mutual decision of two people who were going different directions. I am proud to say we are still good friends today...19 years later. He recently apologized to me - not for the A because that is water under the bridge - but because he said I was not married to the best version of him and he was very “ego-driven” back then - looking for validation from people and things outside of himself and outside of our marriage. I think my current H is similar in that regard. Maybe I have a “type”...lol.

Anyway...my point, and I do have one, is that I think you have a similar decision to make. My H had contact with our “friend” often because she was the GF of one of his best friends so I couldn’t tell him never to have any contact with her again. I had to trust that any contact he did have with her would be completely appropriate and in the context of his friendship with her BF. If I didn’t trust that, then I didn’t trust him and our marriage would have had no chance. It would also have gone against my decision to trust him.

You asked your XW about her interactions with the OM and she told you what they were. She could have told you she’s had no interactions but she didn’t. I get why she would give him a reference for a rental application and I think her reasons are likely genuine - especially because she ignored the temp check texts. I also get why you wouldn’t like it. Not liking it and not trusting her are two different things. I didn’t like that my H would still be having contact with the AP but it didn’t affect my choice to trust him. You also wrote that you’ve been making a lot of demands on your XW? The way you worded it makes it sound like you are punishing her or trying to make her feel more guilt because you don’t think she is remorseful enough? Is there anything that she can say or do to show you that she is? That is actually a question that I think you need to ask yourself. If the answer is “no” and you can’t make the choice to trust her than maybe recon isn’t a good idea.

I think examining your reasons for recon is important. I think you need to really understand what they are in order to make a clear decision. Maybe you are putting too much pressure on yourself and on her? Maybe you do need to take a step back and think or just go out with her as friends and not worry about what it means or where it is headed. Maybe you just work at being friends first. I don’t know... I’m probably rambling now. I’m a romantic at heart so I like to think that all recons can work out but that’s probably pretty unrealistic. Anyway... I hope you had a good sleep. (((HUGS)))