Man, I've had a great breakthrough emotionally since Christmas. New Year's Eve didn't bother me much. Then, the last two days I was with my XW and the girls. That has set me back in the past because I longed for my old life. Not this time. I can say that I've grown immensely in emotionally detaching from my XW. I've had the advantage of my XW not being a WW, physical separation, and a quick and financially painless divorce.
What helped me was that for the first time I could see/sense/feel that my XW has doubts. I know my XW as well as anybody except her mother, and I now know that this is hard on her. I still have zero expectations that we'll reconcile. In fact, I've been talking to a cute gal that seems to be my type, and she's even younger than my XW. I may want to give her the chance to experience the AMOAFWL guy I'm becoming, but that's for down the road.
I often wonder why I have been able to detach quicker than most. Part of it is that my sitch has been favorable for detaching. Part of it is that I've always been comfortable in my own skin and handled adversity well.
What have I learned?
1) GAL, 180, and detaching are immensely important. It was important for me to stop doing it to try to get my W back. I started doing it for myself. These things are to better myself, so that my changes stick. Doing it with ulterior motives to impress my W did not work.
2) Let her go. Give her space. My XW is on a journey to find out what brings her happiness. So am I. We both need to take this journey.
3) Stay connected to God. My faith has helped me considerably during this time. I know God has great plans for me.
4) Stay connected to family and friends. They add a tremendous amount of value to my life.
5) Surround myself with good, alpha male types. Not jerks, but men who lead their families.
6) Take ownership of the mistakes I've made. Don't be proud. Work on correcting the faults that I have. Some of my mistakes/faults: a) not working on our relationship and letting the connectedness go, b) getting defensive when criticized, c) not leading my family, d) stopped listening to her and being ultra supportive of her, e) stopped caring about both of our wants and needs, f) stopped learning what makes her tick (should have looked at our relationship as my full-time job--instead of getting sidetracked by other things).
7) Forgive. I forgive my XW. Just as importantly, I forgive myself. My mistakes were not intentional. If I could do things over, I would.
8) Live with swagger. Fear nothing. Exercise and dieting have helped my self-confidence. I always dress and look my best. I've concentrated on remaining strong, calm, cool, and optimistic in all circumstances. I'm getting back to my old self, but a better version of me. I still have work to do, but I've made big strides.
9) Zero expectations. I commend people for standing. I did that for awhile, but I came to the realization that my old life is over. I need to make the best of my new life going forward.
I may want to give her the chance to experience the AMOAFWL guy I'm becoming, but that's for down the road.
