two steps forward, three steps back (burned)

[TJT]

So yeah the next one will benefit but I don’t think I’ll ever love someone the way I loved her. I’ll always be holding back. Every time I say “I love you” or crack some funny joke it’ll feel like it’s not entirely true, because those are things I used to do with W. Does that make any sense? Like, I’ll have to come up with entirely new things to say so that I’m still being genuine.

I LITERALLY think of this exact same thing. All the little inside jokes or sweet mannerisms, that you just did naturally, it wouldn't be the same to do them with someone else. But you know what? I think the combination of people is what creates some of those things too... so a new person may have their things they did with someone before, and you have yours, but TOGETHER your personalities will also naturally result in new things unique to just you.

I can't believe that just made sense because like I said, I've been terrified of that same thing. I think it's less that you won't be able to create these things with someone else and more of just another layer of grief. You have to grieve that the old habits you had won't be the same in the future. It's both refreshing and sad. But not a nail in the coffin to loving someone deeply again. Ugh why am I being so optimistic?! Just believe me until I turn sour again okay?

Just a moment ago I got annoyed because I remember her saying that our M felt like she was a frog slowly boiling. She said that! But believe nothing they say, water off a duck, etc.

Okay, so, this may not have been particularly nice or fair...and don't hate me... but it does sound like that was just her expressing her feelings. You need to focus on the WHY here, though. Granted, I don't know the full context or if she said other unreasonable things to justify saying that, but I can see how it could be frustrating if you get angry and defensive instead of validating her feelings and then trying to understand the root cause of them.

Also, don't feel too bad about this because we all do it. It's very hard to focus on what's behind someone's hurt when you are hurting yourself. You just have to recognize it so you can handle it when it happens and realize that there's more to it than just them being mean. Again I don't know all the context here so if you feel this is totally wrong, you have every right to evaluate it differently and more accurately than I can. But again. Be honest with yourself, and ask if this is one of those triggers/behaviors that you can change.

It’s almost like OM has a stake in the game and is encouraging her. Like, it’s juts not her. Someone is pulling the strings and treating her like a puppet.

I have to say you are legit confusing me. In your last post you didn't seem sure if she really was still with OM. Now it sounds like you're uber convinced OM is around and having a huge influence over her. Do you really know for sure one way or another?

Again, people do things out of character when they're hurting (and I don't mean hurting because of you. She may be dealing with her own demons). Maybe it's OM, or maybe it's the pain alien.

She ONCE mentioned MC back then, and never followed up after I said I didn’t think it was necessary. Almost like she just said it so that she could say she mentioned it and I said no. Seriously? If you thought we needed it, why didn’t you ask again?

Behaviors. Was that a pattern in your relationship? Did you shoot her down about things consistently or make her feel bad about it when you did?

I'm being tough on you tonight, I admit, but when I read what you just wrote it does sound like you are blaming her for your own actions. I totally get it if she minimized it and didn't make it sound like a big deal. However, if someone is asking you to go to MC...that's not just like asking you to go to the beach.

To be honest, this kind of sounds like my H... I also asked him to do some couple counseling type stuff when I thought it could help us (even just some stuff we could do together at home to learn more about each other) and he brushed it off even though it was probably only once or twice. AND when he was acting weird, I asked him probably 10 times one day what was wrong with him, to the point where he told me to stop asking. Then later when I tried to protest his unhappiness and explain that I had tried all these things, he told me I shouldn't have let it go and I just "should have known" to not stop asking.

That's blame shifting. Take this for what it's worth, adjust for details I may not know about your relationship, but process it nonetheless. And no, this doesn't mean that she couldn't have done more, or tried to stick it out, or as I said before, that it justifies her cheating. Obviously people make mistakes and it doesn't mean we should be punished for them the way that our spouses are doing it. But like a broken record - you do need to be honest with yourself and try to figure out where you are justified and where, maybe, you aren't.

You gotta stop being so angry at everything or you're never going to have the room to understand what's really going on, let alone fix or get past it.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life having to “think” about what I’m doing.

I don't really know what you mean by this. If you improve yourself for the better, genuinely and fully, you won't have to think about it actively all the time. And for the many times where it still is valuable for you to stop and think about your actions, that just means you're a good person that doesn't just act off of impulses without caring for other people.

I know the general consensus here is that I CAN live and it has nothing to do with any other person. But nothing beats that feeling. We were made for it.

I agree. And nothing beats being the type of person that can maintain a great, healthy relationship even when that FEELING goes away, because it always does. Not necessarily permanently, but I am convinced more than ever that love is a choice. Even if you find that perfect woman, you are not always going to feel it. What you're made of in those situations (when you're angry, when they're being less than perfect, when you're annoyed or tired or broke or hungryand how you react to that is what will really matter in your life down the road. That's the part that has nothing to do with any other person.