two steps forward, three steps back (burned)

[burned]

Thanks. That was encouraging. I mean yeah I’ll be a better person. I already am. It’s just all regrets. It’s like I had this wonderful woman and I lost her because of stupidity, selfishness, immaturity...just a shame. So yeah the next one will benefit but I don’t think I’ll ever love someone the way I loved her. I’ll always be holding back. Every time I say “I love you” or crack some funny joke it’ll feel like it’s not entirely true, because those are things I used to do with W. Does that make any sense? Like, I’ll have to come up with entirely new things to say so that I’m still being genuine.

And what a friggin’ stupid thing to worry about!! Burned, get with the program. Focus on me, I know.

Just a moment ago I got annoyed because I remember her saying that our M felt like she was a frog slowly boiling. She said that! But believe nothing they say, water off a duck, etc. I just can’t believe some of the mean things she has said. It’s almost like OM has a stake in the game and is encouraging her. Like, it’s juts not her. Someone is pulling the strings and treating her like a puppet.

Oh, and she has been in IC since right before the A began. She ONCE mentioned MC back then, and never followed up after I said I didn’t think it was necessary. Almost like she just said it so that she could say she mentioned it and I said no. Seriously? If you thought we needed it, why didn’t you ask again? Ugh. Anyway, after physical S (before I knew about DB) she talked about IC and how it felt so good to learn to be assertive and to trust her feelings and act according to them. So a lot of good that did. Gonna end it here so I don’t lose my temper.

So first, I empathize with what you're feeling and often feel the same way that it would be amazing if prince charming came and burned swept me off my feet (see what I did there?!)

I see what you did there. That was sort of how I got into a little spin last night. I have a lot to give and I miss that feeling of limerence. I’m human, too. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life having to “think” about what I’m doing. I do enough thinking, obsessively. Sometimes I just want to LIVE and just let life carry me wherever it may. I know the general consensus here is that I CAN live and it has nothing to do with any other person. But nothing beats that feeling. We were made for it.

Edit: those last 2 sentences sound a lot like what W was probably thinking when she let Mr. F***head park his car on her front lawn. We’re all the same, in the end. (Yes, that was a sarcastic euphemism.)