If it's any consolation, I still go through periods of rage towards my XH more than 3 years after BD. I know it's a consequence of me being a Justice Junkie and seeing him escape the consequences of hurting me absolutely scot-free. I've found a way to make myself feel a tiny bit better with a story that goes a bit like this:
If Judgement Day comes with a payment plan - let's call it a Sin Tax, payable in consequences or pain - I must be somebody who signed up for the "Up front" option. I seem to pay for all of my sins pretty much as soon as I commit them or immediately afterwards. The upside is that for the most part I seem to have managed to avoid really big interest bills, and I may even have benefited from some discounts. Admittedly, I'm pretty sure my biggest mistakes must've been made using the "Pay later" option judging by how I feel right now, but let's just say that on JD I'm going to be pretty much squared-up.
In contrast, XH must've signed up for the "Pay on the Day" option. I don't believe he has ever seen or felt the consequences of his behaviour towards the kids and me, seemingly sliding through life like a hot knife through butter. He is achieving his goals, making his dreams come true and all without alienating those he really loves (so far anyway). What he did to us appears to have gone entirely unpunished by life, by his sons, or by his friends. Three years out from shocking everybody in our world, anybody he cares about still loves and respects him. He sees as much of his children as he chooses. He does whatever he wants. Life absolutely loves him.
The Karma Bus may come along sometimes to pick up outstanding payments, and sometimes to collect them in advance. I think it's a fairly slow and unreliable service though, and it appears as though some folk manage to avoid it altogether. I'm pretty sure XH is one of those, but if he ever gets in its way, I suspect he'll have to fork out. If he doesn't, his bill on JD will be enormous. I won't care by then. It won't be my problem, that's for sure.
Anyway, developing this story helps me to deal with the rage I feel on the "it's not fair" days. It doesn't always work, and it requires belief in a system that is unlikely to actually exist, but for me it's an aid for learning that really hard life lesson - Life Isn't Fair.
