Emerging from my fog? (pain18 DB X)

[Phoenix9]

Thanks DV . I thought about about "Phoen1x9" but that does not look as...grownup. I wanted "Phoenix19" but...darn that character limit!

I have been following along and can so relate to the feelings you are having as they are much like my own. I, too, have thought about trying to rush the process by distracting myself through casual dating. These are really just fleeting thoughts though... I know that if I did, it would only add more complexities to my already complex situation. I also know, beyond a doubt, that I am nowhere near ready to go down that road and that it would be quite unfair to do so. I think most people are looking for a partner and the ones who aren’t, are likely in similar situations with unresolved issues of one sort or another. I would not want to hurt any of the partner-seeking people and honestly, would not want to be involved with the unresolved issues people. So as much as it would be a welcome distraction to seek out validation through the attentions of someone else, I think it would only lead to more heartache in the end (for me or someone else) and it would get in the way of me evolving into the person I want to be. So for now... I focus on that and on spending as much quality time with my kids as I possibly can.

I need to continue reminding myself that I am not ready for anything regarding R, whether it's with WW or someone else. The emotions and behavior behind my posts does not reflect someone who is ready to engage in any sort of relationship other than friendship. I don't feel ready because I am still not detached from WW.

I know how hard this is. Betrayal and rejection at this level is life-altering and a HUGE blow to one’s sense of self. It is a raw kind of pain that I have not felt before and I don’t want to feel again. But I know that I need to feel it and I need to go through it to become a better, more self-aware person and there is no short cut to getting there. What worries me about your post is your statement about casual sex and needing to validate yourself. I don’t know if you meant it the way it sounded but to me, it sounded as if your answer to this is to become as selfish and hardhearted as it appears your WW has become. Is that the person you want to be? Do you see things going well for that person? I guarantee you that when you have healed, properly healed, and become AMOAFWL, there will be a GREAT life waiting for you and someone to love who will be worthy of that person. (((HUGS)))

DV, I don't know if you've read my sitch from start to finish, but one of the things that I am so insecure about is my lack of success when it comes to dating. My WW was my first GF, first sexual encounter, first moving in together, and so on. It took me 17 years (from late elementary school to well after college). I have had to endure a lot of rejection, multiple therapists, as well as having a verbal fight with my father (Xmas 2005-Dad told me no one wanted to date me because I was too fat) to get to that point.

And to have it gone and come to grips that I would have to embark on the courtship journey again is...extremely demoralizing. I get the fact that I don't "need" anyone in my life to complete me. I know I am a lot more experienced than I was before I met my WW, so I would not have to wait another 17 years (hopefully). But I would be lying if I said I miss the affection.

I know it sounds dumb of me to say, but I just have moments where I want to be held, cuddled, and loved. Not as a father or son or friend, but as two people who can share an intimate moment, even if it's brief. There was talk of finding a professional, but I don't want to go down that road. It's fake. It's expensive, and it is risky.

I really do hope for another chance at love. And I hope that when I do, it goes better and farther than the first time around.