Thank you for the links Cadet, having lurked here a bit I have already started with the reading, including working my way through DR, but I have a ways to go, including re-reads and then more re-reads. There is a lot to learn, and process, and I am sure some of it will not sink in right away. I am committed to the education.
Thank you KitCat. I could not get past the first line of your post without choking up, I have not envisioned the "tug-of'war" analogy but you pegged it right from the start. I feel battle-scarred. I believe the true Gekko, the one who was present during the first half of my relationship and in my life before, is inside of me but has been covered over with a callous. I'm not sure how deep it goes yet, I hope my DNA has not changed. I think not, but sometimes it feels that way.
Regarding my W, there is no future from my perspective if the toxic, aggressive, critical mean-spirited portion of her is not exorcised or at least toned down massively, much like in the first part of our M when it was noticed but not a frequent thing. I wonder about my ability to defuse it as opposed to exacerbate it, and wonder if my breaking the cycle of criticism-defensiveness-counterattack-stonewalling by not getting defensive and striking back would be enough. I think those may be issues for down the road, if it comes to that. For now I will be doing my homework as you say. And avoiding being triggered - I have done really well with that since BD - staying calm, very in control of emotions, and when appropriate not even responding to her veiled jabs.
My progression in the "jab-response" department has morphed over time from strong defensiveness/striking back, and instead I started using a sarcastic retort to W where I would respond to a jab with - "oh thanks, you're so sweet!" , or "you really know how to make a guy feel good about himself!" or "gosh you're right, I am so inept that I can't even wipe a counter down properly, what a loser". I have moved away from the heavier sarcasm and now it's just a smile, or completely ignoring the jab, or at most a less sarcastic humourous self-deprecation reply like "I'm thinking of signing up for that 2 day vaccuming seminar at Bed Bath & Beyond". I feel like I'm getting better at avoiding the triggers but any thoughts on how I am doing now or other ideas would be most appreciated.
Steve thank you for the input regarding the trap of the distant H becoming a pursuer as a 180, it technically is a 180 but I see the problem and I think you are right. I can't say that I'm not still concerned that W will eventually say I was just more of the same and never showed her how much I wanted her, but I can feel that what she really wants now is space in the R and the house and to just be done with me. So standing down for the most part surely appears to be the right move, and I am pretty good at that already so that is not a big challenge.
The bigger challenge is to "be present, attentive, kind, engaged, fulfilled, pleased, happy" as you say Steve, during our interactions. I know you are right. Doing this with someone who wants out NOW, who wants that ring off her finger and to be done ASAP, is tough stuff. There are moments when I think I am nailing it Steve, and then moments where I avoid eye contact and come across as detached (not in the DB sense) and I feel like at the latter times the W sees and feels this and thinks "more of the same" and that she is right to D. It is so damn hard to find the right move from day to day, moment to moment.
I have little doubt I will eventually emerge as an even better version of my prior self, but the issue is showing the full package to the W may be counterproductive in the sense that the old true me inside of the recent "MR me" might typically do or say things that run counter with how to deal with W in this circumstance - aka flirting, subtle touches, well-placed authentic compliments, thoughtful acts, etc. I feel like I may have to filter the "real me" and not be authentic to him to avoid making the wrong move with the W. Does this make any sense? How can I really be the me I want to get back to? I feel like I need to address this and get my head screwed on right. It seems like something has to give. Steve you say quality over quantity regarding interaction and that really hits home, thank you for that. I just need to work on what is quality for now, what to show and not to show. A work in progress.
