New Member, Familiar Story

[sandi2]

Hi Sokaku, I'm glad you found the DB board, but sorry for your situation. How long have you been married?

I knew my personal life had been out of balance for some time. I had worked a helluva lot on building up my business and when not doing that renovating the house we purchased 8 years ago.

We see a lot of couples break up b/c they don't have enough time to devote to each other. As a man/husband, you were doing the job you saw as a priority.......which was having a business that allowed provisions, and building a place to live. Not long ago, there was a man here who had a very similar story. He put in long hours at work, plus he was renovating or building a house. I think he had been working on that house about the same amount of years as your situation. Anyway, last I heard, he and his W had reconciled.

Is your W employed full time?

I came home to find a letter from W(44) stating she wasn't happy, hasn't been for 5 years, wasn't attracted to me anymore and asking for a separation - Thing is I didn't have much choice in the situation as she had walked out that day leaving behind the letter and her wedding bands. I was completely blindsided and devastated.

Why do you think she did not discuss this with you, before she moved out? Was she afraid to tell you face to face? Do you have anger issues; make her feel bad about herself; or treat her badly in some manner?

I wrote W a letter that first week acknowledging her feelings, apologizing and owning up to my shortcomings in our relationship. At first she was grateful but then became angry with the letter saying if I knew of the shortcomings why didn't I do more about it then. (I'm thinking due to Complacency & not recognizing how bad things were.) I asked her to consider giving us a second chance but did not beg or threaten etc..

Okay, I think that indicates you are not too prideful to admit your shortcomings, and ask her to reconsider. Now that you have apologized and asked her for another chance.....I suggest you not do it again. Once is enough, unless there is more to your story.

W left 2 weeks before we were booked to go on a Long Haul trip to my homeland to celebrate my 50th birthday with family & friends.

How long since she had visited her homeland? Previous to moving out, had she shown excitement about the trip? When you told her you rather she not join you on the trip, did she appear disappointed.....or could you determine?

I had asked a couple of times if there was OM & she has said no. I don't see any signs indicating she is lying but I'm open minded enough to understand there may be (or have been) someone else.

How would describe the W you've had the past five or less years? Strong willed, a sense of entitlement, over-bearing, bossy, moody, self efficient, sweet, affectionate, selfless, independent or co-dependent? Notice any changes in her the past few months? Have you noticed changes to her personal appearance? New hair color/style, dressing younger, losing weight and working out, looking sexier?

Have you noticed her being extra guarded with her phone? Laying it face down? Taking it to the bathroom, sleeping with it, etc.? Any new friends lately?

How has your sex life been the past couple of years....or more? Any changes from what you would say is your normal pattern with intimacy?

I don't think you need to quiz her about an affair or OM again. Some women will admit an affair, but it's been my experience on the board to see more W's who won't admit it.......even when evidence is staring them in the face. So, let me ask you, is infidelity a deal breaker for you?