I did miss welcoming you a few weeks ago. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation with your H. You have met some compassionate and knowledgable people with much hard earned wisdom that really does help.
You have received some very good advice and I must say you sound and seem very grounded and level headed, well done!
I completely agree with your decision to not pursue marriage counselling, at this time.
Unfortunately, there is no test to tell absolutely if someone is suffering a MLC. A lot of an MLCer’s behaviours are that of a WAS, wayward, etc... because they are - they can be both. MLC has its roots or cause buried deep within some childhood trauma(s). A tigger, like that of his father’s death and his own morality, can awaken these terrors. MLCers are driven to, must have, and cannot prevent - their escape. They have to run, they cannot face their pain. This of course causes so much more pain and problems for them in their future if they ever do awaken from this.
I had no idea of what MLC was, just some Hollywood idea of guy buys sports car and finds younger women. In fact over the holidays I had a relative joking about having his own midlife crisis and was buying a sports car. I let it go. I was one of the uneducated, uninitiated, for so long - I hope this guy never has to learn.
That is where you find yourself, facing this. For what it’s worth, with everything you have said, and the timelines, I believe MLC is quite likely for your H.
Your best course of action is to focus on yourself and the children. Heal well and be the stable parent. Continue to give H time and space, he needs it, and will take it anyhow and anyway he can. Focusing on you, helps you - and will give the best chance at future reconciliation (long ways away) if you want. You really don’t need to decide right now, just breathe and be patient.
Unfortunately your MLCer is not being patient and does have an aggressive timeline, moving out at the brining of February. I do know something of aggressive timelines. My W dropped the bomb at Thanksgiving supper in front of everyone, announced her IDLY speech, her boyfriend, her affair, her adultery (6 days later), and moved out - all in less than three hours. Legal separation was 60 days from then.
As best you can, let him do what he is going to do. I would inform your children a week or two before his date. Let him tell them if you want, or do it together, or by yourself - the only thing that really matters is that you are there. Rememebr this part is about the children, and in my experience, you will be the only one that will truly be there for them - at that discussion and going forward. You will be the stable and sane parent.
Just be honest and truthful with your kids. They deserve it. And of course be age appropriate. This is a very difficult conversation to have, and is the first of many. Don’t fret, children are more accepting and aware than we are, it will work out.
Focus and stay strong.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
