I’m admittedly nervous about tomorrow’s ‘meeting’ with W. I know NO EXPECTATIONS and NO MIND-READING, but....my thoughts are all over the place.
W has been much more accessible to me recently, relatively speaking....she’s been more chatty with me, and she’s been big on bringing YS around (“what’s Daddy doing?”) while I’m making dinner or doing dishes (trying to keep self busy). Not sure what that is about. I sometimes wonder if she is temp-checking me hard. On Sunday, when we were at Knott’s Berry Farm, we crossed a railroad track in the park and there was a huge crush of people walking the other way. For a moment, W grabbed my arm as we made our way through the crowd. I felt both happy and sad at the same time—I know I’m not detached, but it just made me wonder of what was, and what could yet be.
Yesterday she and I talked about her joint financial disclosure (we list assets / debts, both individual and common)—it’s standard given the nature of her job, and we’ve done it every year for the last few years that she has been in her current position. So I’ll need to do my accounts, then she can do hers. We also talked about taxes—what it could be like for us given the revised tax laws, how we’ll figure out paying bills / rent while the shutdown continues and I’m the only one drawing a paycheck. She will eventually get back-pay—but it could very well be a while. She made the comment to me “we’ll get through this.” She also talked about officially starting a 529 savings plan for the boys for college / higher education.
I know: BELIEVE NOTHING THEY SAY. I hear these things, and to me these don’t sound like marks of a woman planning on leaving. I know, could very well just be lies.
I go back and forth: at the park earlier this week, I was pushing YS in his stroller, and the thought occurred to me that if she does decide to BD, that that could very well be the final wedding gift I give her. That I’ve given up a whole lot for her (and us) in our relationship, and that that could be the last, best thing that I do is to give her up. Sobering thought.
What I do know is that, no matter what, I want a wife. I don’t want a roommate, or a platonic female friendship—which is what it feels right now with W. I want from a woman love / affection / sex, and I want to give those to a woman, too—I know, in time. I also know I deserve a lot more than what she has given me for basically the last 10-12 months.
