Milestones of Moving On (?)

[TJT]

Don’t apologize for how you feel—it’s what it is, but don’t wallow in it or stay there (admittedly, this one is very hard for me, too).

You’re not a POS—like I said in an earlier post, turn yourself into the woman your H wishes he could come crawling back to. It sounds like you’re already off to a good start and have a lot of the raw material in that department—just finish the job.

Thank you for the validation / empathy Bo. I already felt like I was AWOAFWL, and that he is being a fool right now! Again not that there's nothing for me to improve, just doesn't feel like it will change anything in that regard. I think I mostly need to work on accepting if my H is just going to continue to be a fool.

I don’t know if the goal is to detach so that he is not affecting you at all. I think the goal is to detach so his actions don’t affect you to the point that it throws you into a totally different mood or mindset. I’m not sure I will ever get to a point where I am not affected at all by what my H does. But I do think I will get to a point where it will just be a blip in my day that I get over quickly.

I will say that after last night, I am better this morning. It did seem to pass a little more quickly even though it felt pretty bad last night. I hate knowing that it could come back at any minute but maybe the more I pass through it quickly, the more confidence I will get that I'll be okay.

The good news in your sitch, and you may not feel this way now but maybe later, is that because you don’t have kids, you only know what he is doing if you go out of your way to find out.

You are very right about this and it's SO hard for me to logically balance the pros/cons of not knowing what he's doing. Sometimes I feel like I need and deserve to know since we're still legally married. Or that maybe if I find out X thing it will help drive me toward a decision, one way or another. But I guess the point here is I need to forget about what he's doing, no matter what it is or what it might mean, and only react to what he actually does intentionally toward me (if anything). Is that accurate?

I am thinking of it as being committed to having a life...full stop.

This is good. Thank you. (((HUGS)))

How she got engaged. And unengaged, and engaged and unengaged.

Wait, your M got engaged while still M?! That's another level of delusional but I totally believe it. Ridiculous.

I never once went to look for myself. It took a lot of determination, but I did it. I can 100% say I never went to her SM except during the first week after BD. Trust me, you don't want to. It has the potential to really get in your head.

Also, it's interesting to note that my XW never stopped looking at my SM. I'd do something and post it to SM and get a scathing text from XW about the post the next day. Later she told me she would look at my SM all the time, even when she was with OM.

I was honestly arguing with myself just before lunch about this. I wanted to go back and check what they're both pinning now since this is a new thing. I cannot let myself do it!! I agree, my survival or at LEAST my progress depends on it!!

I do know earlier in the sitch my H was still looking at a story I posted. I haven't posted anything in a really long time so I'm not sure if he would still do that, or if he's checking my profiles that I don't know about (vs. on stories where you can see who views it).

If it makes you feel better, the feelings you are having right now are parallel to what mine are - still grieving, still not detached, but worked on and improved ourselves and continuing to do so.

We just need to keep going, T. We really don't have any other choice.

It does make me feel better... I am glad I am not just totally failing at this and that others have had the same experience. Thank you (ALL) for the encouragement.

As I mentioned up above I do feel better more quickly this morning. As predicted, work has helped take my mind off of things too. H also sent me the money for this month already today, so that helped me balance too (no idea why, I guess just because in a weird way I know I am present in his mind, one way or another).

I do have a question - when I get the notification that he's sent me his money, is it okay/should I text him to confirm? Something like "I got the money, thanks for sending it." ?? He technically does owe it to me but I just don't know if it's worth me trying to make it a cordial exchange, or if I should just keep NC unless I have any other questions or something else I need from him?

Gotta figure out how we're gonna do taxes too this year... I would just do married filing separately, but since we did put our collective money down for the house, I wonder if he's going to want half of the return.. or even if it would simply be better for BOTH of us/if we'd each get more to file jointly and split whatever that is. OR if, since I'm getting "stuck" with the house, I should try to tell him too bad so sad, file separately and I'm going to deduct the all the house stuff? I don't know what makes most sense here/would be most "fair" without causing conflict. Will have to do some research.