We are all planners, fixers and doers. We all have had to learn and accept that we can't control everything, i.e., especially the journey of a MLCer. We do learn about patience and if we aren't sure about something, then do nothing. We can't rush the process. We have to travel the path and learn about ourselves along the way. We learn to sit quietly and allow the answers to fall into our laps.
As for your h, evidently he's not in any hurry to do anything. Unless you have an urgent need to settle things up, I would sit quietly and wait a bit longer.
As for him doing the yard work...it's his connection to his home. Unless he's doing something to really bug you, then I would allow him to continue what he's doing. After all, it is one less chore that you have to do.
Keep the focus on you and what you can control. Did deeper for patience.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Job. Your words are exactly what I needed right now. You've affirmed 2 things I was 2nd guessing myself on (mainly because of comments on these forums not necessarily related to my specific sitch, and from well meaning friends and family).
1st, that it's o.k. not to rush the process or force an outcome at this time, especially since I am continuing to move forward, learn about myself, and enjoy life.
2nd, that it's o.k. for H to keep his toes on the homestead. After coming here unannounced when he knew I would be away to get the kids for break, he has informed me when he plans to stop by. I don't mind it when he let's me know ahead of time. It doesn't feel to me sneaky then. I didn't really look at it as his connection to "His Home". I am thankful he still feels some sort of connection.
I wholeheartedly agree with Job. You sound like you are doing pretty well with how things are so unless you have a compelling reason to make changes, you should probably just continue with what you are doing and give your H the time and space he needs to figure himself out. That’s what I would do with my H if he wasn’t in such a hurry. Not what I want but I won’t stand in his way. I think you are doing great Grace. Keep GAL and DBing as it will keep him from feeling pressured to make a decision he clearly is not ready to make. That’s not a bad thing, IMO. (((Grace)))
Welcomed the New Year at a murder mystery party. Character costumes and all. It was fun! I was the only one there without a spouse, but I didn’t feel out of place. I did have a period of time before I left when I was feeling down about my situation. H didn’t even have the courtesy (or guts) to tell me in advance he was going to continue his rental, and for some reason that just ticks me off. Fixers like a lot of LBSs find it tough to just let go and let it evolve. I guess I’m just finding it hard to accept that someone I have lived with for almost 28 years can’t even talk to me about anything other than logistics. I have a strong urge to just sit him down and say “I need to know your plans. I don’t want to live in limbo any longer”. But I won’t, not now anyway.
This is in direct contrast to what I tell everybody when they ask. I tell them “I’m perfectly happy living the way I am for now. Bills are paid, house is taken care of, and I have a full life. There’s no rush to force a decision”. But…..I’m not perfectly happy. I sometimes wonder where H and I would be now if I hadn’t asked him to move out. Then I remind myself how lonely that was, and in some ways more difficult than the limbo my M is in now. I might not be perfectly happy, but I’m often happy, and mostly content. I am thankful for that.
The beginning of a New Year is a good place reflect on the past, and have hope and plans for the future. I’ve come a long way in 2018. Discovered a lot about myself and my roll in my unhappy marriage. Made progress on forgiveness, finding myself, and understanding and having compassion for H’s inner turmoil. And made great strides in deepening my relationship with God.
My goals for 2019:
• Read the entire bible (started this morning: The One Year Chronological Bible) – several from church are doing this, so we have a large support group) • Start a journal, and daily include 3 items that made me happy or I’m grateful for • Join a second MeetUp group that focuses on activities outdoors. • Learn to knit (long term goal is to knit hats for preemies when I retire) • Clear out closet clutter, one room per month (long term goal get house ready for potential renter). • Experiment making artisan breads, one recipe per month
My wish for you all for 2019 is peace, continued healing, and deepening connections with family and friends.
Good self control in not demanding to know H’s plan
That takes a lot of restraint
And good for not feeling awkward alone at the party
Happy new year
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Good self control in not demanding to know H’s plan
Gordie - this is by far my biggest struggle, but I am really, really working on keeping that self-control!
I can do it!
******************
H texted this morning. To my surprise, he said "Happy New Year, (name)". Then a little chit chat about a football game. This is the first time he has used my name in a text or conversation in as long as I can remember. I'm trying not to look into it too much, but I mention it only because for some reason I thought it interesting. I just wished him Happy New Year back, and a quick comment on the game.
But, I realize I still have a ways to go in detachment. That little message made my heart beat a little faster. I reigned it in, though, and will not think it anything significant.
There were times when I wanted to scream and shout
And demand to know
Whar are you thinking?
What the heck are you doing?
I can’t live like this!
Believe it or not
It helped me to scream these things out loud while alone in the car
To give voice to them
To get them out of my system
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Just catching up on your thread. I pretty sure you know this, you are doing really well.
I love your goals for 2019. The learning to knit, was an interesting nudge for me, I haven’t knitted in so long. I think the last thing was a scarf for W.
You mentioned you see yourself within this theme of “waiting”. In my opinion that is a good place to be, you do not need to push for, or make a decision, with regard to H and a relationship. That is what I discovered, keep moving forward, keep healing, GAL, are all well and good. The limbo you will find is only for H and R.
It sounds like you have a handle on that as well. Being patient and letting answers come to you.
Best of luck with knitting and all the goals. (I should really declutter my house also )
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
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