We got into it again last night as she pulled me into an argument....and I couldn't bite my tounge
Perhaps you should apply duct tape over your mouth.
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I must be completely misunderstanding validation.
IMHO, the H should not even attempt of validate his WW when she is talking about her feelings for her AP. The H does need to say something that sounds as if he is agreeing, or is empathetic for her feelings that are tied to the AP. In her frame of mind, I believe she can misread his show of tenderness, and she will use it to totally manipulate him emotionally. However, if she has truly ended all contact from OM; has committed to saving the MR; is cooperating in a transparency plan...... then the H should be encouraging and validate her as she goes through the withdrawal stages of the A.
I've found very, very few LBH's who seem to be able to implement validation naturally. Another Stander is one of the best of our current active members, IMHO. But it just does not come naturally for most men who are in the initial stages of dealing with a WW. He either over-kills and comes off sounds like an a$$ kisser; or he repeats the same one, which becomes boring and loses effectiveness; or he says something that is totally misplaced in the current conversation from his WW.
Due to these reasons ^^^^^^^^^^, I think it's best that the LBH not try to verbally validate his WW when she is throwing a tantrum, ridiculing him, having a pity party, etc. I am not against validating people, I just believe with WW cases, the H must be careful or she can easily take what he says and use it against him. I have seen some newcomers who just wanted to try the validating method, and was focused on using it rather on the right time and circumstances.....and it would come across making him look completely weird or weak. So, until the H is satisfied his WW is truly committed and not contacting her AP, I think it's better if he didn't try to validate. That's just me. I think there is a reason newcomers pay so much attention to validation......especially men who have NGS. B/c these men want to nice back their WW, and they see validation as a nice way. They don't really understand it.
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Sandi... As you said. Finding the middle is so hard. I find myself bouncing from one extreme to the other.
I don't know the proper name, but carpenters use this little hand held tool to measure something from point A to point B. There's like a little bubble inside this tube on the tool that shows if the project is too low or too high from either side. If the bubble goes to the left or right, then he knows the project is unlevel. What he wants to see is that bubble right in the center, b/c that tells him the structure is level. That's the image I get when talking about balancing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
