Welcomed the New Year at a murder mystery party. Character costumes and all. It was fun! I was the only one there without a spouse, but I didn’t feel out of place. I did have a period of time before I left when I was feeling down about my situation. H didn’t even have the courtesy (or guts) to tell me in advance he was going to continue his rental, and for some reason that just ticks me off. Fixers like a lot of LBSs find it tough to just let go and let it evolve. I guess I’m just finding it hard to accept that someone I have lived with for almost 28 years can’t even talk to me about anything other than logistics. I have a strong urge to just sit him down and say “I need to know your plans. I don’t want to live in limbo any longer”. But I won’t, not now anyway.
This is in direct contrast to what I tell everybody when they ask. I tell them “I’m perfectly happy living the way I am for now. Bills are paid, house is taken care of, and I have a full life. There’s no rush to force a decision”. But…..I’m not perfectly happy. I sometimes wonder where H and I would be now if I hadn’t asked him to move out. Then I remind myself how lonely that was, and in some ways more difficult than the limbo my M is in now. I might not be perfectly happy, but I’m often happy, and mostly content. I am thankful for that.
The beginning of a New Year is a good place reflect on the past, and have hope and plans for the future. I’ve come a long way in 2018. Discovered a lot about myself and my roll in my unhappy marriage. Made progress on forgiveness, finding myself, and understanding and having compassion for H’s inner turmoil. And made great strides in deepening my relationship with God.
My goals for 2019:
• Read the entire bible (started this morning: The One Year Chronological Bible) – several from church are doing this, so we have a large support group) • Start a journal, and daily include 3 items that made me happy or I’m grateful for • Join a second MeetUp group that focuses on activities outdoors. • Learn to knit (long term goal is to knit hats for preemies when I retire) • Clear out closet clutter, one room per month (long term goal get house ready for potential renter). • Experiment making artisan breads, one recipe per month
My wish for you all for 2019 is peace, continued healing, and deepening connections with family and friends.
