NYE party last night. It was strange and good and a little sad all mixed up in one. I had four girlfriends over and their children. Three of them I met through D9 and the other I met through D12. All four of them, over the last 12 months either divorced, separated or been estranged from their H's. It was weird to see what different stages we are all at. One wants nothing to do with her H and finds him an annoyance (she left him), the other is accepting and (though sad at times) sees her H as the father of her kids (he has been a bit of a b***ard) and no more, the other's H is a functional alcoholic who she asked to leave (she would reconcile but with conditions) and the last H is in prison (she loves him but is unsure she can be with a man who made the choices he has made). Despite the gloomy intro above, we laughed a lot and there was very little talk of our H's.
I did not tell the children until 2 days ago about the party. I don't know why, I guess I didn't want them telling their dad. But MIL was over and she asked me if what our plans were. I said I am having some friends over. Because she is suspicious (H gets it from her) she instantly asked who was coming over. I said some of the mums I know. D12's ears pricked up and she wanted to know which mums, what time, what were we doing etc. They stayed at their dads that night, and when they came back she asked the same question of me again in front of him. I said it had been planned for a while, and she angrily when "and you only told us two days ago!!!". During the actual evening, D12 spent most of the night non her own. There were two girls her age, one of whom is one of her best friends, and she chose to spend the evening on the sofa watching a programme on her own. Her friends stayed in the dining room playing board games with us. I don't know what this was about, but suspect she felt the absence of her father, and as this is the first NYE party we have thrown and only the second party I have thrown that was not for her or her sister (the first was my birthday party in Oct and they spent the night with their dad) she was sensing another 'change' which is outside her control. She would not kiss me goodnight or let me walk her up to bed. She did not the previous night either. I guess no-one likes change, particularly change which is outside their control.
Anyway, At ten to midnight, we called all the children into the living room, sat around the fireplace and watched the countdown and the fireworks on TV. Then we did a little min disco with the children. I saw D12 smiling a little when she watched one of the girls (3) dancing around the living room. She had spent a lot of the evening looking after her, making sure she was OK and watching princess movies on TV with her. A reminder that I have raised good thoughtful children.
During the countdown D9 sat on my lap, with her little legs kicking excitedly and screamed 10, 9, 8 etc with all her little friends around her.
I have not seen H since Sunday when he dropped the kids off after having them over night. When he left, he said something about getting up early in the morning to do a flight and then not being back until today. He is picking the kids up at 5. I don't think I even got up when he left. Just waved him goodbye and said "See you in the new year". Looking back this seems rather cold. He called last night and D9 gave me the phone after speaking to him. He had hung up by the time I got to it. I sent a text saying "D9 gave me the phone but there was no-one there. Assume you didn't want to speak to me but text me in case it was a bad connection and I will call you back". I got a quick response saying "No - I just called to say happy new year to the girls before i went to bed but they were pre-occupied so very quick call. Enjoy your night and I will see you tomorrow". This was at 7:40 - so he was either on his way out or he was telling the truth and had an early flight. Even when he has an early flight he doesn't go to bed at 8 so assume he was going out. This is not me caring whether he goes out or not, I have not given it any more thought, and the thought of him being out NYE did not keep me up last night, I am just piecing together the pieces.
Slight detour into stream of consciousness. When H and I lived in London and before we had kids, one of the things he loved about me was that I was surrounded by people. I use to throw dinner parties all the time (casual affairs where people would come over, I would make a big batch of something and we would all sit around eating and laughing) and when ever we went out, everyone would always come back to mine for drinks and to crash. I would make everyone a big breakfast, and people would sit around our flat lazing about until lunchtime. When we had kids, this stopped. Partly because my friends lived in London, partly because we had kids and dinner parties are no easy with children, and I never really 'made much of an effort' with the mums (his words). I am starting to become that person again (albeit with children) and I think, if I were to say I was grateful for anything that happened the last year, it is that I am discovering her again. He calls my london friends 'friends of convenience' (i.e. not real friends) and I guess in that respect he is correct. I spend time with them because they are a distraction from my real life. I would not call them when I am in trouble or sad or in need of a hug. I have however sent texts saying "anyone out tonight - I don't want to go home' and there is always one or two of them willing to sit in a london bar and shoot the sh!t. However, I know real friendships take time. Some of my new friends will naturally drop away and the ones that remain will become real friends. I also have the mums - people who have been through what I have been through and are always ready with a cup of tea and a sympathetic ear. And I have this community. Things I would not have had if my H hadn't left me so broken that I finally needed to turn to people for help.
Anyway, here are my NY resolution. I will continue on my path to finding me ... saying yes to invites even when I don't really want to and asking people for help when I need it. I will trust people more. I will spend time with my kids doing things they want to do. I will live consciously. I will move on.
